7.31.2005
Ubermilf Has Been Neglecting Herself
I haven't been going to the YMCA. I haven't been taking happy nature hikes with the family. I haven't been swimming. I haven't been stretching. My diet consists of peanut butter on bread, macaroni and cheese and whatever else requires minimal thought and effort plus slides down my throat. I have been drinking more and more coffee each day to ward off fatigue, but it's not working. I look and feel shitty. I have no one to blame but myself. Please don't think I'm looking for sympathy; this is a confession. I can do better for myself and have in the past. I've just fallen into a bad pattern. However, if you have any words of encouragement feel free to leave them. Yelling at me will just result in me hiding under my bed, so please be nice.
Potential openings for my FFF story
I haven't been able to flesh out any of these ideas thus far, so if anyone wants to steal one, feel free.
1. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in reflection not having any antidote on hand was a dangerous practice for a toxicologist.
2. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in reflection not having any clean underwear should have kept her home, doing laundry, instead of at the Rattlesnake Saloon tossing back whiskey.
3. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in reflection not having any jelly beans should not have caused a 25-year-old graduate student to throw a hysterical tantrum, yet here they were with a 250-lb man thrashing on the candy store floor.
4. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in reflection not having any contact with the outside world seemed like a good idea at the time.
5. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in reflection not having any camping experience might explain why bears were able to gobble up all their food.
7.30.2005
Crappy Ass Meal Served to UberFamily by Baker's Square
Oh, yes, it looks pleasant from the outside, doesn't it? Inviting, even. What an ideal family restaurant! That's what they
want you to believe. Its innocent exterior belies the horror within. Listen to my tale, lest you meet a similar fate...
Okay, it wasn't that bad. But the service was intolerable. The food took forever. They didn't give us silverware. They didn't refill our drinks. They gave my two-year-old a plate so hot that, had she touched it, I'm sure her flesh would have melded to it. The food was merely passable, and that was just what happened to us.
I could see the following things happen: the cash register malfunctioned, causing a huge line of frustrated customers; wrong dinners were sent out and sent back; several people were not waited on at all; the people behind us had no drinking straws.
But my favorite part of the evening was watching the pies. A huge revolving oven with many shelves bakes the pies. The ubergirls and I watched as the pies went 'round and 'round. Suddenly, we noticed a change. The pies began to explode. The manager ran up and shouted "Raoul!" or some such name. A small, rat-like man emerged from the back. "I thought you told me you took the pies out!"
He shrugged insolently at her.
"They're..." she said, with a horrified glance into the ovens, "Exploding!" Rat man went back to the kitchen, leaving the manager to remove the pies with a large metal pie-removing device.
Now, prior to this, the Ubergirls and I had been discussing the possiblity that pie-making Oompah Loompahs worked in the back. I had composed a lovely song, to the original Oompah Loompah tune from "Willy Wonka," for Uberdilf's benefit:
What to you get eating at Bakers Square?
You get quite annoyed and you pull out your hair!With Raoul's appearance from the back, our fantasy was shattered.
I was going to buy
Nick a Bakers Square gift card for his birthday, but after that experience I couldn't bring myself to put anyone else through the misery we endured. Even Nick.
I will discuss the scary Children's Menu characters another day. One is dressed like a pimp, and called "Pie Spy." One is charmingly named "Crusty." All in all, they are an odd bunch.
Raucous Raccoons Raise Ruckus; Re-enact "Royal Rumpus"
I was awakened at 4:15 this morning by the sound of bouncing plastic. I also noted the absence of my fountain's gentle pitter-patter.
I leapt to my feet, with the following previous nocturnal disturbances in mind: "someone" had opened both fish food and turtle food and dumped them in the garden pond; my turtle mysteriously disappeared a couple of weeks ago; my goldfish are dwindling rapidly in number; "someone" has been using my daughters' wading pool as a bathtub. "Someone" was out there, and I was going to find out who it was.
Plus, I had a headache and needed a glass of water. We went out last night.
I turned on the back porch light, and my suspicions were confirmed: raccoons. Young, frolicking raccoons. There were about 4 of them, running up and down the cement stairs to the basement laundry room door, playing with my daughter's toys, and generally enjoying themselves. The fountain was off; either they unplugged it or they disengaged the underwater hose in their quest for the last remaining fish. After the earwigs' recent attempt on my life by shorting out my air conditioner, anything was possible.
One raccoon had a sand shovel and a bucket. He's the one who woke me up. He was scooping rocks in and out of the bucket. Another was joyfully examining every single plastic toy. Another, I swear to God, was examining a squirt gun. He was holding it correctly, like a human, looking down the barrel.
Watching them was more entertaining than the movie we saw: The Island with Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansen and Steve Buscemi. Do not see this movie. If you do, don't blame me. I tried to warn you.
7.29.2005
Hey, Anthony Pereieireieioro: You think YOU had a scrotum picture?
Happy Birthday, Nick!
It's Nick's birthday today! I hope he likes what I got him. He wanted a pie, so I'm sending a clown friend of mine to bring it to him in person.
He's a really good aim. He likes to give birthday spankings, too. Bend over, Nick! You're about to make a new friend!
Sometimes You Just Shouldn't Click
As many of you know, Uberdilf is a tech guy. Among other things. He's multi-talented. But today's story involves his tech guy persona.
Some people got laid off at Uberdilf's employer yesterday, and one of his responsibilities is to check a departing employee's computer for pirated software or anything else that could be trouble.
One of those computers contained some minor share ware and some downloaded movies, including one that Dilf read as "Piegrape*." Puzzled at what "Piegrape" could mean, he clicked on it.
He soon realized that his mind's eye had inserted an "e" into the name (perhaps due to Nick's influence). The name
actually read, with disturbing accuracy, "Pigrape."
*I wrote this without consulting Dilf, who told me this story last night at the dinner table. When he said "pi grape" I heard "pie grape" because I think of food before math. My husband must think of math before bestiality, which we all agree is a good thing.
7.28.2005
Worst Dates
I remember my worst date. I was picked up from work and driven to Burger King. Keep in mind, the only reason we stopped for anything at all was because the movie didn't start for another hour and a half.
He stepped up to the counter and ordered two Whoppers, large fries and a milkshake. When the girl behind the counter said, "Would that be all?" He said, "Yes. Oh, wait." He turned to me. "Do you want anything?"
I was wearing a dress and heels. In Burger King. With undoubtedly the biggest clod in the universe. I was set up with this guy by a friend. A former friend.
Not surprisingly, this guy was also the worst kisser. I had no intentions of kissing him, but when someone outweighs you by 100 pounds and sticks a Jabba the Hutt-like tongue in your mouth, it takes some physical action to disengage yourself. Think of the cat in Pepe le Pew cartoons. Luckily, one tongue thrust was all he got.
7.27.2005
Okay, Evil Has Abated
Let's talk of happier things.
Uberdilf's mother will be picking up the Ubergirlies at 2 p.m. on Friday. We are to pick them up sometime Saturday morning.
This means we have a date night. A glorious, wonderful date night. Just the two of us.
In celebration, I would like to share the recipe for my favorite drink: the Barbella.
Barbella
2 oz. Cointreau
1 oz. Sambuca
Mix ingredients with ice in a shaker and pour into a chilled cocktail glass.If I ever opened a restaurant, which I will not because it is
WAY more work than I ever plan to exert
EVER, I would name it Barbella and serve French (for the Cointreau) and Italian (for the Sambuca) cuisine. And guess what my restaurant's signature drink would be?
Things that Are Meant to Be Sexy that I Don't Find Sexy
Every woman is different, so I don't mean to speak for all women when I say: I don't find sexy men's underwear or swimwear attractive. Now, that's now to say I don't enjoy seeing men's bodies, but there's something about sleaziness that turns me off. I never enjoy male strippers, except on an ironic level. Maybe a pirate... but, I digress.
Here are three examples of items I don't ever want to see a man wearing in real life:
a unitard
Whatever this thing is
A sarong; for the love of God, gentlemen, never wear a sarong!
A Dark Day in Uberville
I am cranky and in pain. If anyone needs me, I will be huddled on my bed with a cup of herbal tea watching old movies. It better be an emergency.
7.26.2005
Welcome Back... Your Dreams Were Your Ticket Out
I used to love a blog where a lovely girl would dress up her hamsters and pose them in interesting ways. But she stopped blogging, and I was sad. Now she is back, with a new blog. Everyone, welcome
Bridget, aka "The Hamstress."
Yes, she's cute. But I think she's dating someone. I could be wrong.
I Doubt My Swiffer Can Help With This Mess
I
was going to write an amusing blurb about the
naked tickler, who has been breaking into little old ladies' houses and tickling their feet.
However, I got sidetracked by
the menacing cloud of African dust headed our way.According to reports,
"An enormous, hazy cloud of dust from the Sahara Desert is blowing toward the southern United States, but meteorologists do not expect much effect beyond colorful sunsets.
The leading edge of the cloud -- nearly the size of the continental United States -- should move across Florida sometime from Monday through Wednesday.Ooh, pretty. Colorful sunsets, you say? Why, how wonderful! Only... that's not what they were saying about these clouds earlier.
From August, 2001:
"Now a new study, partially funded by NASA, has revealed a surprising connection between red tides in the Gulf of Mexico and giant dust clouds that blow across the Atlantic Ocean from the distant Sahara Desert. NOAA and NASA satellites can spot such dust clouds en route from Africa to the Americas, raising hopes that space-based data could help scientists predict when red tides will strike the Gulf coast." Do you remember what red tides are?
"It sounds like a story from the Old Testament: Without warning, the sea turns a shade of reddish brown, killing scores of fish and other marine life -- and making the water an unwelcome place for humans."More recently, "Tests on airborne dust samples collected in the Caribbean were found to contain infectious spores of the [aspergillosis] fungus. Scientists suspect the spores had been carried on the wind from Africa, before landing on the ocean surface, sinking and infecting the sea fans. Enough had built up on the ocean floor for the disease to spread. Since then, several outbreaks have been linked to dust clouds."
Complaints about these dust clouds were reported by earlier scientists such as Charles Darwin. But if our vigilant media tell us there's nothing to worry about, I'm sure they're right. I'll just get out my swiffer and wait.
I Love My Mother, But...
I went to visit my mom and dad today. If you haven't seen Disney's "Alice in Wonderland," I can't give an accurate description of my parents. If you have, then, my parents are the Queen and King of Hearts.
My mom has many fine qualities; she is generous, she is loving, she is often funny.
I have to remind myself of these good qualities on a day like today, when I saw her bossy, controlling, judgemental side.
I have to work on standing up to her without getting angry. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.
7.25.2005
Enter if you will...
"Good evening. I'm your little old curator in this museum which we call the Night Gallery. There are horror stories and horror stories, elements of terror that take myriad forms. But this item has a built-in terror which can refrigerate even the most dispassionate amongst us. It has to do with a little beastie known as an earwig, a small bug that crawls into the human ear. And while inside it doesn't whisper sweet nothings -- it performs quite another function. Offered to you now on Night Gallery, a brand new nightmare which we call The Caterpillar."Does anyone besides me remember
Night Gallery? I do, and my parents are lucky I don't sue them for my therapy bills. Looking at the dates the show ran, I could only have been as old as 4 when I saw it. And it was one creepy show.
Rod Serling of "Twilight Zone" fame would take you into an art gallery filled with twisted paintings relating to the equally twisted story that went with it.
One episode was called "The Caterpillar," only it wasn't about a caterpillar -- it was about an earwig. An earwig that crawled into some guy's ear and started eating his brain. He screamed and writhed in agony.
I still remember seeing that, even though I have never seen it since its original air time. I remember other episodes, too; I'll save those for later.
Tonight I want to talk about earwigs, because they are truly evil, vindictive creatures. To punish me for killing some of their relatives that took up residence in an empty flower pot on my back porch, they tried to murder me today. They learned of Chicago's
dangerous heat index, and shorted out my air conditioner. If you don't believe me, I can show you the repair man's bill.
"Found earwig in contacts, burnt contact points," reads the work description, with the ominous,
"This could happen again."
But when? I sense this isn't over. Not by a long shot.
Don't Blame Me, Folks-- I Just Find the Pictures
This person has an unnatural preoccupation with Barbie.
This... Is... Jeopardy!
The answers are:
Black high-heeled sandals that are amazingly comfortable;
My ex-husband;
On a couch in a frat house with a wig between my legs.
Feel free to come up with the questions yourself.
I Was A Teenage Sci Fi Geek
I don't know what made me look up Doctor Who on Google today. I really don't. But I did, and I found out they're making a
new Doctor Who movie. It will come out this Christmas.
My brother and I used to watch Doctor Who together every Sunday night on PBS. Starting at 10 p.m., Monty Python would come on, then Dave Allen at Large at 10:30, then Doctor Who at 11.
Sometime in the mid-1980's, I stopped watching. The last Doctor incarnation I remember watching was number 5. They are now up to number 10! Where have the years gone...
Anyway, maybe I'll take my brother to see it, for old time's sake.
Ubergirl Elder's Friend Had a Brain Tumor Removed
Last Tuesday morning, the Ubergirls and I went to the park with Ubergirl Elder's friend and classmate Kailey, Kailey's mom and Kailey's twin infant brother and sister.
That afternoon, she was being rushed to Children's Memorial Hospital in an ambulance.
She had a brain tumor (non-cancerous, thank God) that was hemorrahging. She had emergency brain surgery. Luckily, the prognosis is good for a full recovery. I'm sure her family would appreciate any thoughts or prayers you could spare.
I received this news just a few minutes ago from a fellow preschool (soon to be Kindergarten) mom. She called just as I was cursing my non-functioning air conditioner. Suddenly, I didn't care whether it worked or not
I'll be back when I finish my chores.
Sugar dumplings, I do have a couple of stories brewing in my Uber noggin. But, alas, I have housework to do. Notably, laundry. I have discovered a disconcerting lack of panties in my underwear drawer. Among other domestic problems.
I will be back this afternoon, if all goes well.
Countdown to LoLo
LoLo returns in two days. Prepare the royal welcome.
7.24.2005
Hi-Dee-Ho! With Love, From Your Sanitary District
I received my sewer bill in the mail yesterday. Along with my usual usage charge and due date, they sent me a newsletter, an invitation to tour the facility during their "Open House" on October 1, and a generous offer for them to deliver some of their "biosolids" to my home.
First, the open house. If I choose to attend, I will be able to view "first-hand" all the components of wastewater treatment. I don't want to speak for everybody, but I thought the flush toilet was invented to avoid that sort of thing.
Second, the biosolids. Again, I have to say "No thank you." According to the pamphlet, "The material looks like black dirt, but has a softer consistency, carries a higher fertilizer value (really!) and retains more water than typical black dirt...At this point in time, we do not recommend that it be used for growing edible crops." Mmmm... biosolids.
The Wastewater Treatment Center also extends an invitation to "youth groups and students for extra credit projects or merit badges." How badly did these kids misbehave? That's just cruel.
7.23.2005
A Little Something About DILF
When I first starting dating DILF, I cobbled together an impression of him, as all new lovers do. He was an art major, a photographer, worked in advertising, liked jazz, was fairly well-read and enjoyed ethnic cuisine. He also was a computer and sci-fi geek. Throw in impeccable ethics, good manners and hygiene, and a love of playing cards, and I was hooked.
Certainly, all of those things are true. Early on, our dates included
Around the Coyote, elegant little jazz venues and funky little restaurants.
But there is more to Dilf than meets the eye. When he and I started dating, he shared an apartment with his brother (who earned the nickname "Towel Boy." That's an amusing story for another day.) Sometimes, when I had to wait for Dilf for one reason or another, I would sit in his living room and watch TV with his brother. One evening, he was watching ESPN or ESPN II or ESPN:Voyager or whatever.
On the TV was a hillbilly spectacle known as
Swamp Buggy Racing.
Just as Dilf was entering the room and looking at the TV, I snorted, "I can't believe they're actually providing commentary to this, as if it were a real sport." Dilf and his brother looked at each other, and Towel Boy started laughing. "Oooh, a small flaw in the perfect woman!" he said. I looked up at Dilf's face, horrifed to see the chagrin on his face.
As we left I said, "You don't
really like that stuff, do you?"
"Well," the slightly defensive Dilf responded,"it's interesting to see how different vehicles respond in different situations..." He might have said more, but I blocked it from my memory.
Fast forward to this afternoon, at the lunch table. Dilf is reading the local paper and notices the
Du Page County Fair is next weekend. "This year," he declares firmly, "We are going to the Demolition Derby!"
If someone would like to volunteer to take my place, please step forward. Please? Lord help me.
7.22.2005
Voice your Choice
Which picture is more disgusting:
This
Or this?Thanks to Miss Kathy and
Miss Lindsay for the photos.
Wonka Wars
VERSUS
Ubergirls and I are going to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" today with my sister and my nephew.
I will report back later on the pros and cons of each film. Try not to kill each other while I'm gone.
7.21.2005
Do I Offend?
Sometimes, I am unsure whether something is funny or offensive. Such is the case with
Mini Kiss, the all-little people Kiss tribute band, who is playing in my city this Saturday.
Now, I find the idea of
anyone in a Kiss cover band slightly amusing. Like Evel Kneivel or any other actual human being (not fictional character) who has been made into an action figure, Kiss is more gimmick than substance. But, little people? I suppose an all African American, all Jewish or all female Kiss cover group would be hilarious as well, so, on with the show. I have decided they are not offensive; I am laughing at Kiss and not a minority group.
7.20.2005
This Guy Is REALLY Starting to Piss Me Off
Remember the
ThorGuard thing my Park District installed?
Despite the fact the park closes at 11 p.m., they continue to sound this siren at all hours of the day and night if a thunderstorm approaches. Nobody could possibly be in the park. Of course, now nobody nearby could possibly sleep, either.
I am going to rip somebody a new one at the meeting tomorrow. Don't think I've forgotten about
their evil plot to cut down my trees and walking path to put in an astro turf soccer field.
And I'm prepared, my friends. Oh, yes.
It's Ethnic! It's Bizarre! It's Family Fun!
Pierogi Fest 2005
July, 29th 11 a.m - 10 p.m.,
July, 30th 11 a.m. - 10 p.m.,
July, 31st 11 a.m. - 5 p.m.Whiting, Indiana is holding a festival in honor of
Nick's birthday.
I didn't know he was so famous; of course, pierogi
are a bit like bite-sized pies. Perhaps that's the connection. I think they just want him to dress up in the suit.
Whatever the reason for it,
Pierogi Fest is tons of fun, or so I've seen on TV. I've never actually gone. Here's a summary:
"Whiting, Indiana's Pierogi Fest is a tribute to the community's ethnic heritage. If you have experienced an adrenaline rush when the Polka Parade turns onto 119th street, you are already a Pierogi Fest Goer. If not, this site will introduce you to the entertainment, humor, and sense of escapism that encompass the spirit of Pierogi Fest."
What a Geek. Wait, How Much Money Did You Say He Makes?
Don't tell me that I'm crazy
Don't tell me I'm nowhere
Take it from me
It's hip to be squareHuey Lewis predicted this would happen.
As my loveable sidekick Nick recently noted on his
spinoff blog, nerds, geeks, dorks and dweebs of all stripes
are now popular.This upsets me on a number of levels. One, I truly, madly, deeply love geeks. People who have an interest are interesting, and that is the hallmark of a nerd. Whether it be music, gaming, computers or science fiction, nerds are passionate about their interests. They always have something to contribute to a conversation. Will these trendy people really love them like I do, or simply use them until they are no longer culturally relevant?
Two, people are not a commodity. Like sheep, we are herding ourselves into flocks known to the materialists who suck the life out of us as "marketing segments." Resist! Resist! Resist! You are human beings, with thoughts and feelings! What happens when another segment gets "popular?" Will geeks be dumped on the trash pile of history with harpsichordists, alchemists and the cast of "The Love Boat?"
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint, many people still think of this image when they "
Think Geek". You can even
rent a nerd to hilariously embarrass you at parties. What an amusing stereotype! I think I will be "rent a crazy lady who viciously attacks your smug sense of superiority and your empty, black, damned-to-hell soul, you vapid, insipid idiot!" Look for my website soon.
7.19.2005
C U Next Tuesday
I have never been called a "cunt" before today. I would like to celebrate losing my "cunt" virginity with all of you, my friends.
This is what Wikipedia says about "cunt:"
Cunt is an English term that refers to the human female genitals. In modern English the word vagina is considered more polite, though strictly speaking this word only refers to a specific part of the genitals. In Oxford, London, and other English towns and cities in the Middle Ages there were roads named "Gropecunt Lane" where prostitutes plied their trade; these roads were renamed by the Victorians.
"Cunt" is also used as a term of abuse: in American English, it is mainly directed at women, and tends to imply that the named person is extremely nasty and unpleasant in a way that bitch does not imply. It is generally considered the most offensive description one can attribute to a female.Very interesting, especially the part about "Gropecunt Lane."
I also found
a Cunt Circus,
a Cunt Coloring Book, and a movie called "
Cunt Dykula."
I hope we've all learned a little something about cunts today. I know I have.
Keep Your Thoughts to Yourself
Don't be alarmed, citizens. Be prepared.
According to
stopaductions.com, we are facing grave peril. But take heart, we have the tools to fight the enemy. Read on:
"Since we are being invaded by an alien force from another world, we have a different kind of war. Our war with these beings is one of mind control, mind scan, and telepathic control, as reported by Budd Hopkins, David Jacobs and Raymond Fowler. I call this type of conflict 'telepathic war' to differentiate if from a 'technology war.' A 'telepathic war' uses telepathy as a weapon in addition to the machines of a 'technology war.' Until now, the creatures attacking us could do so at will: they could "switch off" people or render them powerless, manipulate people's thoughts and cause them to move against their will, project mental images to us, masquerade as a friendly or sexually attractive human, and scan our entire minds.
The thought screen helmet is our only defense in a 'telepathic war.' I call this device a thought screen helmet because it prevents aliens from performing any kind of mental control over us It blocks out all alien thought so humans can no longer be manipulated or controlled, and it prevents aliens from completing mental communication with us so people cannot be abducted.
The term "thought screen" is derived from the science fiction novels of Edward Elmer Smith, otherwise known as 'Doc' Smith. Smith had his characters use 'thought screens' to block out telepathic control. 'Thought screens' were used in his novels as a defense to 'telepathic war.' With a working thought screen, fantasy has become reality. We can fight a 'telepathic war'."You can purchase the
Thought Screen Helmet on the website for $35, or get instructions on how to make your own.
Good luck, and be careful.
Gal With Green Baby Says She Was Raped By Leperchaun
"He had his way with me, he did," says the attractive barmaid. "He got me drunk and slipped me his little green shamrock."
Click here for the full story.
What's In YOUR Toilet?
As if policemen didn't have a difficult enough job...
"Police had a shock when they checked a public toilet for drug users and found West man Paul Pennington wearing a nappy, baby's bib, and girl's dress, a court heard yesterday. He was also sporting shoulderlength hair tied up in bunches and was wearing tights and a stuffed bra when he emerged from a locked cubicle."
You can read the full story
Here.Thanks,
George.
7.18.2005
Get Ready to Fight for Your Rights, People
If you enjoy freedom of expression and the unencumbered exchange of ideas, please pay attention to this story.I read this story in more than one place, but
here's as good a link as any to read about Comcast blocking the emails of an organization called afterdowningstreet.org. This organization wants to look into possible impeachable offenses committed by the Bush administration in its Iraq-attack. Here's what happened to them:
"We didn't know it, but for the past week, anyone using Comcast has been unable to receive any Email with 'www.afterdowningstreet.org' in the body of the Email...
Comcast effectively censors discussion of particular political topics, and impedes the ability of people to associate with each other, with absolutely no compulsion to explain itself. There is no due process. A phrase or web address is tried and convicted in absentia and without the knowledge of those involved.
Now, did Comcast do this because it opposes impeaching the President? I seriously doubt it. Apparently the folks at Symantec did this, and Comcast condoned it. But why?
Well, we have no evidence to suggest that these 46,000 complaints actually exist, but we can be fairly certain that if they do, they were generated by someone politically opposed to our agenda. There's simply no possible way that we've accidentally annoyed 46,000 random people with stray Emails and mistyped addresses. We've only been around for a month and a half, and we haven't spammed anyone. In fact, during the course of trying to resolve the problem, Comcast assured us that they knew we hadn't spammed anyone. And once we'd gotten Symantec's attention, they didn't hesitate to lift the block.
But it had taken serious pressure to find out what the problem was and who to ask for a remedy. We only solved this because we could threaten a flood of negative attention."I don't care what your political affiliation is; this is chilling. If you call yourself American or in any way support democracy, this is just wrong WRONG
WRONG.
It is also a warning salvo. What else can/will they do to curtail our freedom to communicate?
7.17.2005
Ubie Is... A Punk Rocker! Ubie Is... A Punk Rocker!
I thoroughly enjoyed
Punk Attitude, a documentary I saw on the Independent Film Channel.
It featured many of my favorite musicians, cast light on one of my favorite periods of history, and highlighted the delightfully rebellious spirit of all things punk.
Henry Rollins provided a great deal of the commentary, including a description of the posers who came along later, with their theatrical Mohawks and safety pins through their cheeks. No real punk musicians actually pierced themselves with safety pins; they used them to hold their clothes together because they were poor as dirt.
I particularly liked that discussion, because I am the opposite of those imposters: I am brimming with the antiestablishment fervor of punk, but I look like the girl next door. I'm not wearing the costume of rebellion, but I burn with the fire of resistance. For instance, as I remarked to Sarah the Butterfly, all of the media hype about obesity and images of rail-thin models thrust down our throats does nothing but make me want to get fat and wear a tube top with spandex shorts.
Lucky for us all, I do have my own health to consider; otherwise I would do it just to be difficult. Actually, I think it comes from my early childhood dreams. I wanted to be a journalist, and journalists have this unofficial slogan: "Comfort the Afflicted and Afflict the Comfortable." I'm not saying they live up to this credo, but it's a thought.
I do not take well to authority, and my emergence from under the thumb of my abusive first husband has only heightened my resolve to fight the power. I love punk rock, and no matter what I look like or how old I get, I will always be hard-core punk.
By the way: can anyone identify this picture? I'm sure at least one of you can.
7.16.2005
And now... advice, from Uberdilf
When chopping hot peppers to make guacamole, wash your hands thoroughly before using the restroom.
Another Drunk Ubermilf Story
Here's another drunken picture of me. I'm on the left; Miss Kathy is on the right. We were celebrating my 21st birthday at a trashy dance bar and trying to flash the camera in one of those little photo booths. Thanks to Miss Kathy for saving this treasured moment.
Now, I've gotten my drunk on in my younger years -- but this one was a doozy. It was one of the few times I drank so much that I couldn't remember much of the evening. To make matters worse, I smoked a couple cigarettes; I don't smoke. It only intensified the drunkness and sickness the next day.
However, some memories came back in fuzzy fashion the next day. I remember calling Miss K and asking, "Did we dance with dwarves last night?" The answer? "Yes."
7.15.2005
Tiny Ubergirl Has Cold, Cough
Two-year-old Uber was up all last night with a cough and a cold. She needs extra mommy care, so if I don't respond to your comments in the prompt manner to which you have become accostomed, please forgive me.
Also forgive any bizarre behavior on my part, as I am sleep deprived.
Merten went by the clown name "Mr. Toy."
When you're wrong, you're wrong. And boy, was I wrong when I said clowns weren't scary.
I pick up my local paper this morning to read
this scary story.Mr. Timothy Merten, 52, was found guilty in May of aggravated criminal sexual assault of a child. He will be sentenced on August 19.
Merten's criminal background includes a 10-year prison sentence in 1988 for indecency with a child in Texas. He served less than six months before being released.
He could be facing 120
years now, though. I think we've learned a little bit about pedophile recidivism since 1988. Not that it does anything to fix the actual problem of pedophilia, but at least there's one less child molester on the streets.
Now, a question: I have to undergo a background check and attend a child abuse awareness class just to be cupcake mom at my daughter's school. Am I out of line to suggest that people who regularly interact with children be licensed with the state, complete with background check? Just asking. I'm not one to curtail freedoms, but I'm also very protective of children.
An Interview With Amazing Anonymous
Here is the latest thing all the cool kids are doing. We answer five interview questions from someone (in my case, Amazing Anonymous). Then, if you want, I will come up with five questions for you.
Here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
My questions:
1. If the aliens arrive and ask to be taken to our leader, where will you lead them?
a. An ATM.2. Why do fools fall in love?
a. They need something to do during commercials.3. You wake up tomorrow as a man. What is the first thing you'll do?
a. Make my husband scream4. Given that we can't find something like 90% of the mass in the universe, when we find it, what do you hope it is?
a. Whipped cream5. What is the absolute worst meal you've ever had?
a. Hospital vegetarian meatloaf
7.14.2005
When Ubermilf Gets Drunk, She Dances
Miss Kathy, be prepared to fill in any details I may inadvertantly omit from the following story.Nick, this is my
blogoversary present to you. It involves:
Tequila
This bar (well, at their original location)Me, dressed as a pirate for Halloween, wearing
black lace stockingsand
thigh high bootsNow, Miss Kathy and I used to frequent the original
Exit quite frequently. While the "new" location is still fun, the original is burned into my memory.
Whether it was Halloween, Christmas or the middle of May, Exit was a lot like a Jaycee's Haunted House inside. Black walls, black light -- black everything. It consisted of an antechamber with a bar, followed by a narrow corridor which emptied out into the main bar area. The dance floor was a step-down into a large pit framed by ... fencing? Webbing? Something. Considering the substances we imbibed before and during our trips to Exit, I'm surprised I remember what I do.
One Halloween, I injested about 100 liters or so of Tequila before heading out to Exit, where I drank even more of who-knows-what. I was wearing the aforementioned boots and stockings, along with a swingy mini skirt with little bells sewn along the bottom, a black wrap top, and a head scarf. I was a pirate, arrgh.
I stepped down onto the dance floor (probably Sisters of Mercy or something was playing) and my ankle snapped. My foot was horizontal, instead of vertical. "Ouch!" I thought. But I kept dancing. And dancing. And walked back a couple of blocks to the car.
Since this was my senior year of college, I was supposed to go to class the next morning. And I would have, if my ankle was not swollen to the size of a cantaloupe, extremely painful and purple.
The scariest thing was the swirls of purple-black extending from my ankle all the way up my leg. "I've done something horrible to myself!" I thought. "My entire leg! Oh my God..." until I washed my leg. The suede lining of my boots had dispensed ink onto my skin, through the lace stocking, which had created the lovely pattern. Granted, the ankle was still sprained and out of commission, but at least I didn't have blood poisoning or anything.
Miss Kathy was sweet enough to bring me magazines and Clive Barker's
Weaveworld to read while I was laid up. Soon enough, I was good as new.
That is my sexy drunk pirate girl story. I hope you enjoyed it.
I'm working on a new post, but I can't leave "spotted dick" up any longer
7.13.2005
But President Chirac, Have You Tried Our Spotted Dick?
Thanks, B.A.
7.12.2005
Until Further Notice...
I Never Understood the "Scary Clown" Concept.
It's really popular to hate clowns, to find them eerie, to clutch your child closer to you when one approaches. While I never found them particularly amusing or loveable, I never feared them, either. Until I read this
creepy clown story.
Is the clown under the bed, or not? "...Are you sure you CHECKED just BEFORE you brushed your teeth, or was it AFTER? Because I COULD have crawled underneath while you were brushing your teeth. I could have, yes, that's right. And I DID. That's why you're able to hear my thoughts, because I'm so close..."
I suppose if I had read that story as a child, I might feel differently.
It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. -- Homer Simpson
I read a wonderful editorial by Charles M. Madigan today in the
Chicago Tribune.
He talks about why conservative critics dislike the modern news media (with the exception of talk radio, of course, and Fox News. They're fair and balanced.) I would link to it, but the
Tribune wants you to subscribe in order to read its online articles, which I think blows. Thus, I will summarize and quote the editorial.
"The problem conservative critics have with modern news media is the same problem conservative critics have always had with news media... what they really dislike is journalism.
"...Take the war in Iraq, for example. It is hard in the news biz not to notice the shifting collections of rationales for this war... torture is another one of those things we don't like to hear about. Truth is no defense. It's viewed as unpatriotic. Maybe as liberal. But it's not. it's just journalism. In a democracy based on the thought that an informed electorate will make wise decisions, someone has to point out all of these unpleasant things, just so you know what your government is up to.
"...What the haters hate the most is journalism. They would live in a world where everything is wonderful, where the government does only good things, where no one keeps a casualty count, and where all the stories are as positive as a
Reader's Digest report on what's so darned good about America.
"What a wonderful, Orwellian place that would be."
It reminds me of the ABC News Director's bewilderment at being accused of liberal bias for running an
20/20 investigative report on how the Department of Homeland Security took a holiday in Hawaii at public expense. He said, "How is running a story on how taxpayer money is spent either liberal or conservative?" Good question. But good questions are something the Bush Administration frowns on.
7.11.2005
Remember What I Said About Crazy Crap?
Feast your eyes on this:
Who designs these things? Who approves them for manufacture? And what ideas were discarded?
Put down the fish! Ubermilf needs us!
The penguins will need a leader...
7.10.2005
Crazy Crap Clogs Consumerist Country
Every Sunday, I peruse the ads and coupon section for the most obnoxious, ridiculous new products I can find.
I am never disappointed. From pork-flavored snack crackers, to "Scent Stories" CD's which play fragrance instead of music, to Looney-Tunes embroidered toilet seat covers, China cranks it out while America buys it on credit. Which will soon be owned primarily to Chinese banks. Viva Capitalism!
I thought about these wasteful items, and I was reminded of a movie I saw called
Twenty Bucks, which followed a newly minted $20 bill and how it was spent by the various people through whose hands it passed.
It also made me think about how better to spend the money. For an example, I looked up my personal favorite charity,
Doctors Without Borders, to see what they had to say:
Your Donation: - What It Can Provide:
$35 - Two high-energy meals a day to 200 children
$50 - Vaccinations for 50 people against meningitis, measles, polio or other deadly epidemics
$70 - Two basic suture kits to repair minor shrapnel wounds
$100 - Infection-fighting antibiotics to treat nearly 40 wounded children
$250 - A sterilization kit for syringes and needles used in mobile vaccination campaigns
$500 - A medical kit containing basic drugs, supplies, equipment, and dressings to treat 1,500 patients for three months
$1000 - Emergency medical supplies to aid 5,000 disaster victims for an entire month
$5500 - An emergency health kit to care for 10,000 displaced people for three months
So it's up to you, people: which would you rather do, feed and vaccinate dying children, or dress your dog as a pimp this Halloween?
7.09.2005
The Smell of Justice
I have previously written about my first marriage
here,
here and
here. Now, my esteemed blog colleagues Sarah the Butterfly and Miss Knit have prompted me to think of it again, with their entries regarding
abuse and
guys on the down low, respectively.
Other things prompt memories here and there, like replacing the toilet roll and a tomato ripening on the windowsill. Both of those items caused violent outbursts in the ex – if I didn’t put the toilet paper on the “correct” way, or if the tomato got too ripe.
But tonight’s memory is amusing to me, rather than frightening. I bought myself a cat in our first year of marriage, so I could have someone to keep me company while TEO scoured his pornography collection.
Not to interrupt the story, but here’s how habitual liars operate. They take a gullible subject (me), and tell a little bit of truth (all guys look at porn) while leaving out the important information (just not from dinnertime to bedtime each night, every night while married to a hot, eager to please 22-year-old woman.)
Anyway. The cat. I would play with the cat every night while TEO looked at the same porn images over and over again. (This was in the Internet’s infancy.) The cat and I grew very fond of each other, since we actually had more of a relationship than, well, you know who.
Plus, the cat was smarter than me. He would constantly relieve himself in TEO’s underwear drawer. Liquids and solids.
TEO would change where the underwear was kept. Kitty would find it anyway.
Don’t let anyone tell you that cats have no loyalty to their owners, because they do. After I left the bastard, the cat never evacuated outside of his litter box. Ever. He was clearly sending a message.
7.08.2005
LoLo's Hillbilly LineUp
On her drive to work yesterday,
LoLo spotted a pick-up truck with a hand-lettered sign in the back window that read "
Eatin' Pussy... Shittin' Food." I believe it is in the public interest to help stamp out this sort of atrocity. We must find him before he successfully reproduces offspring.
LoLo -- do you recognize the man in the truck from any of the following pictures:
It's Clone-ilicious!
As Homer Simpson would say, "Mmm... space steak."
According to my paranoid friends at
Unknown Country:
"In a recent issue of Tissue Engineering, Agricultural expert Jason Matheny writes about two new techniques of tissue engineering that may one day produce in-vitro (lab grown) meat for human consumption."First of all, there's a magazine called "Tissue Engineering?" I have to look that up. Wait, there's more!
Is it possible to create an edible product that tastes like beef, poultry, pork, lamb or fish and also has the nutrients and texture of the real thing? Scientists know how to isolate a single muscle cell from a cow or chicken and let it divide into thousands of new muscle cells. NASA has experimented with creating small amounts of food products for long-term space travel, where storage is a problem. But Matheny says, "We need a different approach for large scale production." He wants to grow the cells in large flat sheets on thin membranes. The sheets of meat would be grown and stretched, then removed from the membranes and stacked on top of one another to increase thickness.Homer says, "Mmm... sheets of meat."
7.07.2005
Dining Out with Ubergirls
Before I heard today's shocking news from London, this was the post I was going to write. I don't want to minimize the trauma overseas, but maybe it will be a small diversion from sadness.
Last night, Uberdilf took us Ubergirls out to dinner. Knowing us well, he took us to
Culvers, aka Scoopie's, in honor of its mascot, pictured at left.
Scoopies has exceptionally yummy food that arrives quickly, which any parent will tell you is vitally important when dining out with a 2 and 4 year old. Additionally, every children's meal comes with a free scoop of ice cream. Actually, I think it's frozen custard. It's mighty tasty! Thus, Culvers is very popular with one and all.
So, after dutifully eating their dinners in order to earn their treats, the Ubergirls received one cone each. Ubergirl Elder had chocolate, Ubergirl Younger had vanilla with strawberries in it.
I wish I had brought my camera, because Elder had a patch of chocolate on her nose, with streaks of chocolate across each cheek:
And Ubergirl younger had vanilla circling around her mouth, and down her chin into a perfect point:
Afterwards, the girls and I danced to salsa and merengue music at my sister's park, while Dilf taught our dentist how to use Photoshop. Poor Dilf! He misses all the fun.
Inhuman Violence
London, our thoughts are with you.
London attacked
7.06.2005
Uberdilf, You Make Me Proud
Uberdilf found this picture. Now that I think of it, I think I'm disturbed, rather than proud. Ladies, this man is available for parties. I wonder if he brings his little animal friends?
This Man Wants to Ruin My Beautiful Park
Well, not him
exactly, but someone who looks like him. It never occurred to me that when deciding how to utilize public land, my park district board would say to themselves, "Let's ask the guy in the polyester shorts!" Yet, sadly, that's what seems to have happened.
Spanky McSportshorts wants to rip out our lovely gardens, walking paths and 50 to 60 trees to add a new soccer/football field, complete with synthetic grass-like surface and towering lights. It hasn't been approved; they're looking for input from residents. I am ready to give them input like you wouldn't believe.
They already have athletic fields here. There are other parks in more commercial areas where the addition of more lights and parking will not disrupt the natural beauty. Why are they proposing this monstrosity here? Maybe Spanky doesn't understand aesthetics. I will teach him!
Thus, I will write letters and attend meetings to fiercely defend my beautiful nature areas. I'm going Ubermilf on their asses! They better hope they're wearing their little protective cups when I get ahold of them. Only in America will you find morons ripping up grass to install fake grass. Unbelievable!
Hey! Check Out My Superpower!
Explanation: When injured your body
focuses on the wound and heals rapidly, within
a few seconds. This makes you pretty much hard
to kill and you can help people in danger using
yourself as a shield. Almost anything is
possible in combat but you prefer looking after
others. In bad purposes you can do the same as
above but for evil intentions.
This power fits you pretty good since you want
to help those around you, and when you are
pretty much unstopable, that's not an obsticle.
You are caring and nurturing and are more a
pascifist. Even if you know there are much
unfairness in the world you still chose to see
from a positive angle because you belive in the
good of this world. You are probably friendly
and have a soft spot for people who are not
accepted. Though to others you come of as naive
and gullible. You could be taken advantagde of
if the wrong person comes around. Even if you
could be seen as pure, you are not that
completely since you're human and make mistakes
too.
Negative aspects: If your naiveness has
been making you blind for too long you could go
into dark thinking.
What Power is Compatible With You? brought to you by QuizillaI'm hard to kill! That's good news. But I think I've already gone into dark thinking...
7.05.2005
A Real American Hero
An old ad campaign for G.I. Joe action figures once touted him as "a real American hero..." But I would believe we should shift our perception of "hero" from the rich, famous and militant to ... say... a Denny's waitress.
From
corporate scandals to
unscrupulous charities to
military misuse of funds to
celebrity nincompoopery, the rich and powerful have proven themselves unworthy of our admiration and respect.
However, I did learn of some heroes this past weekend. I was watching CNN when they reported
this story. A Denny's waitress, manager and group of patrons saved the life of 8-year-old Shasta Groene, who was abducted by a sexual predator. They called the cops, stalled the perpetrator until the police arrived, and held and comforted the little girl when she started to cry.
I would rather place my trust in them than what passes for the "elite" in this country these days. That's the only thing that gives me hope for this nation's future -- the waitresses, the nurses, the construction workers, the janitors, the garbage collectors -- the everyday people.
More Tea, Dear?
To me, the best moment of our party yesterday was walking into the living room to find grandmas, grandpas and great-grandma listening to "God Save the Queen" by the Sex Pistols.
It was accidental; I had meant for the music to be piped outside, where the younger people were. But in the course of party preparations, we never got around to wiring the speakers to the back yard. That meant the music mix I had prepared using I Tunes played solely inside, where the geriatric crowd had congregated.
It made me chuckle. I love giving parties. The only sad part of hosting is not being able to spend as much time with your guests.
And I have lots of leftovers. Garlic dill potato salad, anyone?
P.S. to Nick -- Uberdilf's grandma brought two pies.
7.03.2005
I've Been Meme-ed!
I now have to blog five things I miss about my childhood, thanks to JD the untrusty teacher and Antonio the naked Canadian. Thanks, guys! I love being put on the spot.
1. The Ben Franklin. It was near enough to walk, and carried crap cheap enough for us to buy. It also had every candy known to man.
2. Flashlight tag, kick the can, and every other outdoor game we played in the summer after dark.
3. No leg shaving. No bad body image. In fact, not caring what I looked like at all.
4. Daily trips to the public pool with my friends. We could walk there, too.
5. The pumpkin patch we'd go to every year. They sold Halloween decorations and candy apples, and had this 7-foot tall inflatable clown that would alternately slump over or stand up tall as the air pump filled him. Other candy-assed kids were scared of him, but I loved him. And they had a haunted house and carnival rides, too.
1.
More Than My Luggage2.
Modigli3.
Babbling Brooke4.
Cannot Be Trusted On My Own5.
Me, UbermilfI also got memed by Antonio, but Cannot Be Trusted got me first. Grumble. But visit Antonio the Wonder Boy anyway. Use the link to the far right. I tried to get post it in here, but blogger claims the "tag is broken."
Now, my turn to meme---
Melanie, LoLo and Uberdilf -- you're up. You have to list five things you miss from your childhood. You need link to me and #'s 2, 3 and 4, and add your name as #5. Then, you foist this off on someone else. Smoochies! Oh, and Nick's already been memed by Anthony. He's pretending he doesn't know how it operates.
7.02.2005
Hot Fun in the Summer Time
For the moment, I am going to live in denial. I am ignoring the list of Supreme Court nominees, I am pretending my country is not becoming a fascist state, and I refuse to look at anything with the words "pay by" or "amount due" on them.
Instead, lets talk picnics, parades and parties. I found a great all-inclusive site to help
plan a great picnic or barbeque. I also found a
CD of picnic music available for purchase.
As cynical as I'd like to be, I must admit I enjoy parades. Not military parades, but the parades of marching bands, clowns, boy scouts, girl scouts, and floats -- I am a sucker for them. So, the Uberfamily and I will be curbside, watching the spectacle pass us by.
We are having a big party on Saturday, since we live adjacent to a big park with a prime hill for fireworks viewing. We will see friends and loved ones, light off some semi-legal fireworks, eat some foods of dubious nutritional value, and coat ourselves with bug spray to watch our town's fireworks display.
7.01.2005
Further Fireworks Safety Tip
Don't act like this guy. Please.
Fireworks: How Safe Are You?
Take the test below and find out. Choose from either True or False. Answers and explanations will follow the quiz.
1. Firework injuries can only occur during the Fourth of July.
2. Sparklers are safe fireworks and can be given to children.
3. Gunpowder is a major ingredient in most types of fireworks.
4. Only people who are careless or unsupervised are injured from fireworks.
5. Only people who set off fireworks risk injuries.
6. Males are more likely to get hurt from fireworks.
7. Bottle rockets are not dangerous because they're just firecrackers tied to a stick.
8. Homemade fireworks are safer than store bought fireworks.
9. Using fireworks is an inexpensive way to celebrate the Fourth of July.
10. My state bans fireworks.
Click here for answers and more fireworks information.
And just in case you got a few of those questions wrong, please read the following safety tips from the National Council on Fireworks Safety:
To help you celebrate safely this Fourth of July, the Consumer Product Safety Commission and the National Council on Fireworks Safety offer the following safety tips:
Always read and follow label directions.
Have an adult present.
Buy from reliable sellers.
Use outdoors only.
Always have water handy (a garden hose and a bucket).
Never experiment or make your own fireworks.
Light only one firework at a time.
Never re-light a "dud" firework (wait 15 to 20 minutes and then soak it in a bucket of water).
Never give fireworks to small children.
If necessary, store fireworks in a cool, dry place.
Dispose of fireworks properly by soaking them in water and then disposing of them in your trashcan.
Never throw or point fireworks at other people.
Never carry fireworks in your pocket.
Never shoot fireworks in metal or glass containers.
The shooter should always wear eye protection and never have any part of the body over the firework.
Stay away from illegal explosives.
Lil Red, This is for You
What better image to erase George Bush than poodles? None, I say!
The Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005I can't help but create another America-themed post in honor of my nation's upcoming birthday. Like I do with my religion, I cling desperately to the ideals my country is supposed to stand for, rather than focus on the shameful behavior exhibited by some of its supposed representatives.
But our lead representative, George W. Bush, says the darndest things that are not easy to ignore, and if we can forget his deadly and disastrous actions for a minute, pretty gosh darn funny.
Without further ado, please enjoy the following
Bushisms.
"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
—Austin, Texas, Jan. 8, 2001
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
—Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
"They misunderestimated me."
—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
"I think younger workers — first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government — promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2005
"You see, not only did the attacks help accelerate a recession, the attacks reminded us that we are at war." —George W. Bush, on the Sept. 11 attacks, Washington, D.C., June 8, 2005
"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."—Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004
And on a more serious note, compare and contrast the following quotes:
"As people do better, they start voting like Republicans...
...unless they have too much education and vote Democratic,
which proves there can be too much of a good thing."
Karl Rove, Bush's long-time political guru and White House advisor:
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents,
more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land
will reach their heart's desire at last and
the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
