1.31.2006
The Horror! The Horror!
I couldn't bear to watch the State of the Union Address, so I decided to watch a horror flick instead --
this one.
I know I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
In fact, I had a series of recurring nightmares when I was in high school. I was always running from some evil force that had mind control powers, but that hadn't yet captured me. I was hiding in a large, antiquated stone building with a courtyard, like a university or a church or an old courthouse or something.
In the last nightmare of its kind that I had, I was escaping (so I thought) up the back stairs of this old stone building when someone blocked my way, and pointed ominously and wordlessly at me, betraying my location to the thought police. That someone was Karl Rove.
Well, it was either Karl Rove or
Mr. Weatherbee from the Archie Comics.
Either way, it scared the snot out of me then and scares the snot out of me still.
Just so I'm not alone in my nightmare tonight, check out
this site. It has lots of fun pictures like this one:
Sweet dreams.
Did I Mention I'm Pissed Off AGAIN Today?
Well, I am.
So very, very irate.
Because of
this bullshit.
My favorite part is this:
"Exxon Mobil's 2005 net income for the year comes to $1,146 a second. That per-second profit is enough to pay for gas for the average American vehicle to be driven 10,294 miles, at current gasoline prices."I fucking hate
Exxon Mobil. Bastards.
Must...find...happy...place...
"Rollercoaster...of love. Rollercoaster...of love. Say what?"
My New Nickname
You can call me ...
Martini Cupcake Girl.
LoLo's a Cheap Date
LoLo ordered one martini.
LoLo took one sip.
LoLo looked up at the waiter who had just delivered her drink, and said, "You're going to have fun with ME tonight!"
He gave her his number as we left.
No fun was had, as far as Mel and I know.
But we parted ways after dinner, so...
1.30.2006
To Cheer Us All Up
Bush's State of the Union Address is tomorrow night. I could get all upset thinking about things he's done, but I'll leave that to my new friend,
Grand Moff Texan.
Instead, I've decided to make light of my country's demise by featuring the
Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug.
"The Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug is covered with the complete text of The Bill of Rights. But when you pour in hot liquids, the Rights that are infringed by Ashcroft's Patriot Act vanish before your very eyes!"For my right-of-center friends, you can ignore my above message and pretend I was writing about this:
My Family Now Thinks I'm Crazy
I didn't tell anyone in my family I was going to Cleveland. Mainly, that's because I haven't told anyone in my family I have a blog. Besides, they're always all up in my damn business. Do I have to tell them everything?
But, because they call every day to get all up in my damn business, Dilf was forced to tell them I wasn't there, that I was visiting friends, friends he believed were related to Mrs. Kathy somehow. He did tell them that my trip was my Christmas present.
Now, it helps that my family doesn't believe that Dilf gets anything straight and that he forgets things the moment he hears them. That is partially true. However, they have concocted their own version of the truth, which is:
I had a nervous breakdown and ran away to the
Mental Hospital. This is partially true; I did visit that shrine. I stayed for Mass and listened to an aged priest talk patiently for ten minutes, explaining to the attendees that they are NOT possessed by the devil, but should continue taking their meds and listening to their doctors.
So, now my family is talking very calmly and slowly to me. My sister-in-law, the former Cuntzilla who was mysteriously cured of her cuntiness by giving birth last May, asked me enviously, "You mean you just
ran away? We can
do that?"
I think I'm going to enjoy this. If they irritate me in the slightest, I can start to tremble and allow my eyes to fall out of focus. I think this could work to my advantage!
Picture One, Story One
You can also find this picture on
Mel's blog -- it's me, LoLo and Mel as Charlie's Angels in Mel's fabu new house.
This is taken the day after I consumed numerous skull-crushing martinis at Cleveland's all-purpose entertainment facility
Pickwick and Frolic. I now want to walk around the house in a feather headdress, sequined bodysuit and fishnets all day:
I think I'll space my Cleveland stories out a bit. Especially the ones about the mental hospital.
I'm Home!
I'll blog more later...
1.27.2006
Nobody Seems to Care I'm Going to Cleveland, So...
Here's a picture.
1.26.2006
I'm off ... to Visit Some Friends!
I'll be back Monday with some tawdry tales and peppery pictures
Bad Music Thursday: 1986
(Cue thunderstorm, wailing winds) They were dark days for the music world. The horror began in 1986 and stretched throughout the last years of the decade. True, some whisperings of the soul-deadening tunes that would reign over a terrified world began earlier in the decade... Huey Lewis and the News... Whitney Houston... disastrous Paul McCartney duets. But nothing could prepare us for what we would find in 1986.
Like
M, I'm talking about pop music. There are notable exceptions to anything, of course, but... just look at
the Top 40 charts. If you take out Peter Gabriel, what do you have?
"That's What Friends Are For" -- Number 1. Need I go on? I sense you're not convinced. How about not one, but TWO Mister Mister hits in the top 10 -- "Kyrie" and "Broken Wings." How about the one-hit wonders; do Klymaxx "I Miss You", Nu Shooz "I Can't Wait" and Glass Tiger "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)" ring a bell?
I think I've made my case. But if you remain unconvinced, may I suggest you download and listen to Number 23,
Secret Lover by Atlantic Star.
Go ahead...
I DARE YOU!!
1.25.2006
I Need to Pack for My Trip
I am going to visit
Mel and
LoLo this weekend. This is what I'm bringing so far:
• One tiara
• One pair Hammer pants
• Scuba suit
• Velvet opera-length gloves
• "I Love Chachi" T-shirt
• Sequined tube top
• Lab coat and goggles
• Satin disco pants
• My "Yodeling Queen" sash
Am I forgetting anything?
1.24.2006
Oh My God, What Have I Done?
I hope I didn't get anyone in trouble.
Just days after I
urged people to drop their pants, the group Improv Everywhere performed their celebrated hipster prank, the "No Pants Subway Ride."
According to the group's founder, Charlie Todd, it was the event's biggest turnout yet, with 150 people crowding into a subway train and shedding their pants.
You can read about it
here. Of course, these people have been doing it for five years, but I am awash in self-importance so I choose to ignore that fact.
In other pants-related news, some guy was arrested for
wearing transparent pants. Without underwear.
"Evans, a convicted sex offender from California, allegedly would walk up to his victims and attempt to engage them in conversation, directing their gaze towards his lower region.
'He would ask them, "What do you think?" or if they could see what he had," [police Lt.] Tucker said."
Nothing like this ever happens in Downers Grove. Sigh.
I Feel Sorry for Environmentalists' Kids...
If
this is what passes for "fun" in their households.
My kids love the
EnviroKidz brand of stuff -- cereal, waffles, snack bars. We can agree on these purchases, because they're pretty healthy and free of chemicals.
However.
The cereal box boasts, "Look Inside the Box for More Fun!" When the excited child opens the box, he or she (in my family, she) finds... facts about pandas (or cheetas, or koalas, or whatever flavor she's eating. Their flavors are all named for animals.) Also, information about how to protect the panda's environment. And, most thrilling of all, a pledge form:
"I share Wildlife Trust's sense of urgency and would like to support the conservation efforts of your scientists and educators."It took me 15 minutes to assure both UberGirls that no one had stolen their "prize."
1.23.2006
Clowns' Duty -- Teach About Doody
More clowns in the news.
"[T]he circus performance features acts that convey important messages - in fun ways. A dysentery prevention piece features a giant dirty hand that chases a clown around the stage. Eventually, the clown gets sick and whines and complains to the audience's delight."I bet the clown likes it. Dirty clown.
For B.A.
For B.A.
For B.A.
For B.A.
For B.A.
Yesterday Was B.A.'s Birthday
I salute you, my Lord and Master.
1.22.2006
I Am Declaring War on Pants.
No, not
PANTS, pants. I have come to the conclusion that pants and their hopelessly evil counterpart, shorts, are unflattering to my milfiness. Yet, it seems they are forced upon me at every turn.
From the 1960's on, we've been told that pants represent female freedom. I disagree. I think kilts represent freedom for MEN, but they haven't embraced them as they should. I like dresses and skirts. They look good on me. They're comfortable. I like them. I LOVE them. But where are they?
There are some tailored skirts and dresses and skirted business suits. Good for professional women. Where are my dresses? Comfortable yet attractive, form fitting and body-skimming yet not skin-tight, feminine yet not fussy dresses? I want them. I need them.
What do I get instead? Year after tiresome year of Capri pants and shorts for spring and summer. Pants and jeans in the winter. Pants teamed with sweaters, blouses and jackets. Casual pants. Dressy pants. Even pants fit to wear to a black-tie gala. Oh, pants are so mondern, so now! Give us more pants!
Fuck pants. They don't look good on hourglass-y women. I'm just wondering why can't the fashion world manage to provide clothing for the lanky, athletic women who look good in pants AND the curvier ladies who don't? I'm not trying to take away anyone's pants; I just want options that look good on me, too -- and are more comfortable to boot!
And pantyhose. Who the hell decided we can't wear pantyhose anymore? Wherever you are, shut up! I want to wear pantyhose. So there! I'm gonna. And I'm gonna wear dresses. Every damn day. To the grocery store. While taking walks. Visiting museums and art fairs. I'm gonna wear them loud, I'm gonna wear them proud. With pantyhose! In your face, fashion world!
I'm going to find little tennis skirts to wear to the gym, too. Just you wait and see!
I'm sure I'll be ranting again soon. In the meantime, drop your pants! Unless they look good on you.
1.21.2006
I bought this today...
because I thought it was a hoot:
Actually, it was the cabernet sauvignon. But you get the idea. I intend on drinking the whole thing tonight. I am on glass one right now. I won't bore you with details, but I had a shitty day. Literally, at one point.
Dilf left the house at 7 a.m. to help transport a server from Buttfuck Illinois to Chicago. He is in Chicago as we speak; his estimated return time is uncertain. He was just at the Microcenter in Chicago buying supplies.
I was feeling sorry for myself until I heard that part. What poor schmuck has to work in a downtown Chicago Microcenter on a Saturday night?
I informed Dilf via telephone that I will be either drunk or passed out when he comes home, and that I intend on having a hangover tomorrow.
I Love this Guy. So Very, Very Much.
If only he wasn't 92 and I wasn't happily married...he does encapsulate my Christian viewpoint in
this post.
Sometimes hitting the "next blog" button pans out.
1.20.2006
Whenever I Can't Think of Something to Write...
I just post a saucy picture.
I hope that's alright.
It's Spreading Like Wildfire!
I had to do this, too. Especially when I saw my answers:
- Ubermilf can live for up to a week without a head.
- Ubermilf has a bifurcated penis!
- If ubermilf was life size, she would stand 7 ft 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the size of a human!
- You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of ubermilf to reach the earth's core.
- Devoid of her cells and proteins, ubermilf has the same chemical makeup as sea water.
- Ubermilf can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant!
- Ubermilf became extinct in England in 1486.
- Ubermilf is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
- Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of ubermilf in your ear 700 times.
- The most dangerous form of ubermilf is the bicycle!
Also,
THIS WOMAN should have her vagina sewn shut without anesthesia. Then stuck repeatedly with pins and soaked in a lemon juice/saltwater bath.
Advice from Ubermilf
My friends, I am going to give you all a piece of advice that will save you thousands of dollars and heartbreaking frustration:
Never buy a house from hillbillies.
Never.
1.19.2006
Bad Music Thursday: George Michael
I have nothing against George Michael; it seems he does a lot of charity work.
I'm assuming it's to balance his karma for recording songs like "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" and "Careless Whisper."
Also, I don't think being caught in a public restroom with your hand in the cookie jar qualifies you as a gay rights hero.
But which song to pick as
worst? I'm sure you all have your personal "favorites" from the Wham!/George Michael songbook. But since this is my blog, I pick
Everything She Wants. Not only is it whiny and annoying, it also features Georgie pretending to be heterosexual. In fact, it seems to have a rather strong anti-heterosexual message. Hmmm.
Uh huh huh...
Oh yeah...
Work...work...
Somebody told me,
Boy, everything she wants is everything she sees...
I guess I must have loved you.
’cause I said you were the perfect girl for me,
Maybe...
But now we’re six months older...
And everything you want and everything you see,
Is out of reach...not good enough...
I don’t know what the hell you want from me but boy...
Uh huh huh...
Oh...oh...
Uh huh huh...
Doo doo doo...
La la la la...
Somebody tell me,
Won’t you tell me...
Why I work so hard for you?
All to give you money
All to give you money...
Some people work for a living,
Some people work for fun,
Girl, I just work for you.
They told me marriage was a give and take,
Well, show me you can take you’ve got some giving to do.
And now you tell me that you’re having my baby,
I’ll tell you that I’m happy if you want me to...
One step further and my back will break,
If my best isn’t good enough
Than how can it be good enough for two?
I can’t work any harder than I do...
Somebody tell me,
Won’t you tell me...
Why I work so hard for you?
All to give you money,
All to give you money...
Oh...
Why do I do the things I do?
I’d tell you if I knew.
My god...
I don’t even think that I love you....
Won’t you tell me...
Tell me...tell me...tell me...
How could you settle for a boy like me,
When all I could see was the end of the week...
All the things we sign,
And the things we buy,
Ain’t gonna keep us together...
It’s just a matter of time.
My situation,
Never changes.
Walking in that manner through that door,
Like a stranger,
But the wages...
I give you all you say you want is love...
And all I can see is the end of the week,
All the things we sign,
And the things we buy,
Ain’t gonna keep us together...
Girl, it’s just a matter of time.
(return to top)
1.18.2006
Travesty! Urban Outfitters Rips Off Johnny Cupcakes!
Scandal rocks the cupcake world again! Cupcake-loving T-shirt designer
Johnny Cupcakes has been cheated by corporate bad guys
Urban Outfitters!
Johnny Cupcakes makes shirts with designs like this:
And this:
He approached Urban Outfitters with this design in 2004:
They "rejected" it, but began producing this:
just this month.
The Cupcake Liberation Army shall hear of this! It's an outrage!
Who's Ubermilf Pissed at Today?
Guess who called me this morning? I had to guess -- because my called ID said "unknown name unknown number." Imagine my surprise when the robo-voice at the other end identified itself as my old friend
SBC!Robo-voice claimed to be not only my phone "service" provider, but also the answer to all my entertainment needs as well! They could rip me off in so many unregulated monopoly-type ways!
Anyway, the robo-voice did not tell me why it chose to irritate me today. Instead, it directed me to call a 1-800 number to find out what its "important message" for me was.
*Instant Update*They called back! I'm talking to them now! They say I didn't pay my bill. But thanks to the wonders of technology and online banking, I have the proof that I
DID SO pay! I have a date, a reference number, an amount... in fact, I overpaid because I couldn't remember the exact amount so I rounded up! In your face, SBC! Motherfuckers!
I'm on hold again. She has to see how to handle this; amazingly, SBC must never make billing errors!
Wait... hold on to your hats, folks... she's APOLOGIZING. And they won't turn off my phone service. Isn't that nice? They're not going to turn off my service because I overpaid them but their system didn't update because of MLK day. Sure, blame the martyred guy.
Did I mention my bill's not due until the 28th but this is from the bill due December 28 which I didn't pay because they kept charging me for DSL service which we cancelled, but then I did because it got straightened out? So they were going to TURN OFF my service because of a 15-day delay on something that's pre-paid a month in advance? This is amazing, people.
Why do I keep them? Because if you want a land line and are a mere human instead of a corporation, you have no options. They just bought their competitor. Why do I need a land line? Because I have a satellite dish. If I had no satellite dish, I'd have to get cable or forgo TV altogether due to the bad reception. Guess who owns the ONLY cable service available to me? SBC.
To quote Monty Python, "Help, help! I'm being oppressed!"
1.17.2006
See What I Mean? Wrong Decade.
President Eisenhower was a Republican from Texas. He presided over our nation from 1953 to 1961. He said
things like this:
"Down the long lane of the history yet to be written America knows that this world of ours, ever growing smaller, must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.
Such a confederation must be one of equals. The weakest must come to the conference table with the same confidence as do we, protected as we are by our moral, economic, and military strength. That table, though scarred by many past frustrations, cannot be abandoned for the certain agony of the battlefield.
Disarmament, with mutual honor and confidence, is a continuing imperative. Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose. Because this need is so sharp and apparent I confess that I lay down my official responsibilities in this field with a definite sense of disappointment. As one who has witnessed the horror and the lingering sadness of war -- as one who knows that another war could utterly destroy this civilization which has been so slowly and painfully built over thousands of years -- I wish I could say tonight that a lasting peace is in sight.
Happily, I can say that war has been avoided. Steady progress toward our ultimate goal has been made. But, so much remains to be done. As a private citizen, I shall never cease to do what little I can to help the world advance along that road."-- Public Papers of the Presidents, Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960, p. 1035- 1040George Bush is a Republican from Texas, too. He
says things like this:
""As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself — not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." —George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006"People, we've been swindled.
I've Said It Before, I'll Say It Again: I Was Born in the Wrong Decade
I eat
stuff like this up with a spoon.
I always have, and always will. My hips were made for shimmyin'.
I Never Did Get It.
I was pretty busy yesterday, so I didn't mention poor Martin Luther King, Jr. on his birthday. It's actually the 19th, anyway, isn't it?
Well, diligent bloggers
Todd and
Jacob had their acts together, and now I'm inspired to write about racism.
I grew up in a household headed up by an avowed liberal father and a moderate mother, neither of whom was racist. I never learned the "n" word until I reached grade school, when I heard it and used it as a generic insult for everyone until someone explained what it meant. I didn't get it then and I still don't get it now.
So, having excess melanin in your skin makes you "less than," somehow? Then why were people in the 70's (when I was a youngster) lying out in the sun getting tan? Tightly curled hair is "bad?" Then what's with all the perms? I was mighty confused, especially since I didn't know people were divided into separate groups. I mean, when I was a kid.
My dad had taken all the negative stereotypes about any ethnic group and inserted "Republicans" in their place. For instance, Polack jokes became "Republican" jokes. When we went to the one shopping mall at the time in upscale Oakbrook, my father would tell us, "Lock the doors. This is a Republican neighborhood." You get the picture.
Later, I learned about cultural differences. Still later, I learned about the effects of stress and violence on brain chemistry. That's when I became a conspiracy theorist. Crack cocaine seems tailor-made to keep poor neighborhoods down, but that's a discussion for another post.
Long story short: we have to stop dividing our country into segments, into "us" and "them." That includes my dad (and me.) While I still lean left, people of all colors, kinds and ideologies are my fellow countrymen. If I disagree with someone, the kneejerk reaction shouldn't be to hate them or consider them stupid, selfish, or stupid and selfish. We're in deep trouble as a nation; it seems we actually revel in our divisiveness.
The "rugged individualist" mentality has gone too far, in my opinion. True, we aren't responsible for other people's actions, nor should it be our job to support someone's bad decisions or behaviors. On the other hand, we have to realize that if some members of our society, our country, are sinking, they take us all down with them.
Poverty, lack of education, hopelessness and despair weigh us down. Also, rampant short-sighted materialism, a thirst for war and vengeance, and greed weigh us down. Instead of wallowing or blaming, we should throw all our energy into being the best society this planet has seen. Not the most comfortable and lazy, not the mightiest bully, but the fairest, the least destructive, the healthiest, the bravest. I'm not saying I have the answer as to how to bring these things about, but we can start by viewing ourselves as one cohesive whole, rather than unconnected "others," who obviously are to blame for all of society's ills. Because, of course, it couldn't be
our own fault, could it?
1.16.2006
I like this picture.
It's got cupcakes, clowns, a knife, and a disembodied head.
1.15.2006
My Seven Year Itch Party Planning Is Going Well!
The
Polkaholics are on board.
I found
a caterer.
I have a choice of a Moose Hall, a VFW Hall, an American Legion Hall, and a Knights of Columbus Hall nearby. I just need to call to check out the facilities and available dates for this spring. The caterer has worked with all but the Moose Hall, and possibly them too. This rocks.
I need to decide on a guest list, a final date near our anniversary, and find a bartender. We'll buy the booze ourselves, I think. I have specific ideas regarding the drink menu.
I'm getting excited. Also: decorations. Oh, yes, we will have decorations. And they will be fantastic.
The Bears Play Today.
While I love football, all I can think is this would be a great time to go to Target. Everyone else will be home watching the game.
1.14.2006
I Am Making an Announcement Purely as a Self-Help Tool
Blah blah blah new year blah blah blah fresh start blah blah self improvement blah blah.
I want to fit into this dress again:
I wore this dress to Mrs. Kathy's birthday party in 1997; I met Dilf at that party. I was 26 years old and very healthy.
In the course of my lifetime, I've been frighteningly anorexic and post-partum bloated and everything in between. I can't use the scale as a measurement, because I have large solid bones and good muscle mass, neither of which I want to lose. So, I can be a size 6 or 8 and still weigh 150 or more lbs. I'm fine with that; who cares? It's health first and looks second, and the scale doesn't tell that.
But I am a little soft and jiggly. I do want to be the lean, mean muscle machine that tracked down Dilf and brought him in for the kill.
I don't want to obsess over every calorie or chemically analyze the content of every bite I'm eating or skip every dessert. I also don't like artificial sweeteners; they give me a headache.
So, here are my vows: Eat more fruits and vegetables. Drink more water. No trans fats. Less (sob!) butter. Switch to tea from coffee, since it takes way less sugar to make it palatable to me. I'm pretty good about everything else, foodwise.
Also, exercise! Use that Y membership more than once a week! And... wear that red velvet dress with the zipper down the front to my 7 Year Itch Anniversary Party!
I know I have your love and support in this endeavor. I hope? Yeah, I know, you don't care. But public declarations strengthen my resolve.
1.13.2006
Dolls. Scary Dolls. Scary, Creepy Dolls with Soulless, Staring Eyes
UberYounger has a scary doll, pictured here:
UberYounger loves this doll, and tenderly cares for its every need. Apparently a mother's eyes can't see the evil, cunning glow in its baby's inhuman eyes, and can overlook the Mikail Gorbachev black smudge on its head from when UberElder was instinctively trying to give it the mark of the beast with a black marker, but was too young to know how to write "666."
It's very difficult when your own adorable offspring lovingly offers up her demon doll to you with wide, trusting eyes and says, "Kiss my baby, mommy." It takes all of my strength to smile, lift the devil's offspring to my lips, and wait for the searing flames of hell to burn off the lower half of my face.
Luckily, that hasn't happened yet. But I am not the only one freaked out by some dolls. Check out
The Haunted Dollhouse for starters. If you dare.
1.12.2006
How Creepy Was Elvis?
In August, I warned you of the dangers of
Naked Elvis.
Thanks to
SYSM, I have been made aware of more Elvis debauchery.
I wish I would've known about this song in time to honor the King on
his birthday, but we can't have everything, can we?
I give you, in all its creepy glory,
Elvis Presley: Lover Doll
Lover doll, oh lover doll
Lover doll, lover doll
You're the cutest lover doll
That I ever did ever see
Let me tell you lover doll
You were meant, just meant for me
On the first time that I saw you
How I fell for your cuddly charms
Lover doll I'm crazy for you
Let me rock you in my arms
I'm so glad I found you
Never thought dollies came full grown
I'm gonna tie a ribbon around you
Wrap you up and take you home
I would never treat you badly
Like a cast away broken toy
Lover doll I love you madly
Let me be your lover boy
I'm so glad I found you
Never thought dollies came full grown
I'm gonna tie a ribbon around you
Wrap you up and take you home
I would never treat you badly
Like a cast away broken toy
Lover doll I love you madly
Let me be your lover boy
Lover doll, lover doll
Lover doll, lover doll
Lover doll, lover doll
Let me be your lover boy
Lover doll, lover doll
Lover doll, lover doll
Lover doll, lover doll
Let me be your lover boy
Let me be your lover boy
Let me be your lover boy
1.11.2006
Yet Another Thing That Pisses Me Off
Why are computers performing clerical work and answering phones? Why are they determining credit scores and playing chess? And, most importantly, why are humans still emptying garbage and cleaning toilets?
People, we've been sold yet another lie. Robots and computers were supposed to do all the dirty and dangerous work. Yet somehow I'm cleaning the litterbox (okay, Dilf does that, but stay with me people) while some damn computer calls me 5 times a day to "Please hold for a very important message." Folks, it is NEVER an important message.
With the exception of the wonderful Roomba, computers and robots have filled two purposes: one, saving corporations money; two, giving MIT students a hobby.
My current favorite is the new kiosks at the grocery stores where customers scan and bag their own groceries. Great! Now I can deprive a fellow human of a job AND do more work myself! How wonderful! Granted, I have used said device when I've had but a few items. But how long until humans are completely replaced, and we're stuck working, unpaid, for the grocery store?
Motherfuckers.
And now my fucking dishwasher, which we bought in 2004, is acting bizarre. I'll bet you anything that it's not a simple, inexpensive part. I bet it's the "computer board" that runs the whole damn thing and costs as much to replace as a brand new dishwasher.
I'm becoming Amish next week.
1.10.2006
Holy Cupcakes, Batman!
My new friends
the Cupcake Ladies found a
New Tastement: Biblical cupcakes.
God loves cupcakes.
I Can't Wait Until Thursday. This Ends NOW!
I now I usually post Bad Music Thursday on, well, Thursday. But this song is stuck in my head now, and it must be removed!
This song, like almost all of my Bad Music songs, is from the 1970's. I'm not sure why this particular decade of music keeps showing up in my head, but I think it has something to do with AM radio and formative brain growth.
Reasons aside, I give you
Undercover Angel by Alan O'Day. It contains the lamest refrain ever recorded. I don't know how he could've sung it without convulsing in spasms of shame.
I said "Whaaaat?"
She said "Ooo-ooo-ooo-wee"
I said "All right!"
She said "Love me, love me, love me"Yes, folks, I hate to think of what the first draft of lyrics read. "Ooo-ooo-ooo-wee" isn't even a word! He can't even think of a real word?
Great Grandma's Cake
Dilf, the girls and I brought a cake over to his grandma's house on Sunday. Isn't it purty? It's a snowflake!
1.09.2006
I'm On Another Rampage, Thanks to Jamwall
It's no secret to anyone who has read my blog that I don't like the current administration. That's not to say I don't like conservatives; I have stated before that we should be one team, maybe with differing views on how to "win," but working toward the same goal -- a healthy, safe nation upholding our shared principles.
The problem is, I don't believe BushCo is conservative. I don't believe they adhere to any principles or ethics at all. Why? I could write several posts on that topic, but I have children to raise and a household to run. I
will write specifically about Iraq, however.
My personal pet peeves are lying and misinformation. By nature, I am an inquisitive person; I have to "know." So it pisses me off to no end when I hear two mistruths coming from BushCo's spin machine regarding Iraq:
1. The "conflict" in Iraq wasn't about confiscating their weapons of mass destruction so Saddam couldn't use them against us. It was about regime change, to bring freedom and stability to the Middle East.
2. Hey, we were all fooled. Democrats had access to the same intelligence, and drew the same conclusions. They all voted for it!Lie Number 1: Let me tell you something. In March of 2003, I was in my ninth month of pregnancy. I experienced false labor twice and hours of real labor once. While I was lying in a hospital bed with monitors strapped to my gigantic baby-filled abdomen, I had nothing to do but stare at a television monitor for hours and hours. It was always tuned to a news station, or sometimes even Fox News.
I can tell you, unequivocably, BushCo's stated reason for invading Iraq
WAS SO to protect us from those nasty weapons of mass destruction. We couldn't wait for Hans to finish his inspection! The peril was imminent! Saddam was going to construct and launch nuclear weapons any second! Time was of the essence! We had evidence he ordered a red telephone and a big red "launch" button! It's true! This one Italian guy saw it!
Anyone who states otherwise is lying. Lying. Lying. How short of a memory do these people think we have?
Lie Number 2: Congress and everyone else received a
REPORT from BushCo. They didn't see the original evidence. They
TRUSTED BushCo's report. Yes, they let us down by not looking deeper. But the con job originated with BushCo, Congress just bought it. That's the equivalent of saying, "It's
YOUR fault for trusting us!" Well, yes. It is. But that doesn't excuse BushCo for their more egregious behavior.
Conservatives have always called for personal responsibility. I find it the utmost hypocrisy to not call for it now. Our loyalties are supposed to lie with America and its stated ideals and laws, not a brand-name political party. To stubbornly stick with a particular man or regime just because he wears your team's jersey puts our entire country in jeopardy. And that, folks, is treasonous and unpatriotic.
Flash Fiction Friday: The Undertaker*
*The following story was inspired by actual events.Slowly I turned, step by step, keeping my back carefully turned toward the doorway.
I didn’t want my daughters to see what I’d done.
It broke my heart, but I had to do it. It was getting old and stiff; I had to get rid of it. I know my little girls had gotten attached, but nothing lasts forever. It was time to say goodbye. I couldn’t help it; I stared into his cold, lifeless eyes one last time.
I heard my eldest daughter’s chair drag across the floor as she pushed herself away from the dining room table. “I’m all done, mommy!” I heard her call to my wife. I had to act quickly, before she came into the kitchen and screamed. Panicking, I thrust it into a trash bag, closed it quickly, flung it over my shoulder and headed stealthily down the stairs into the basement.
Casting furtive glances over my shoulder, I opened the door to our attached garage, and stuffed it into a waiting garbage can. Breathing heavily, I brought the lid down, covering the evidence. I wish something could so easily cover the guilt spread across my face and in my heart.
I sadly climbed back upstairs, where my wife’s fearful eyes met mine.
“Did you dispose of … the body?” she whispered.
“Yes,” I whispered back. “The gingerbread man cake is … gone.”
1.08.2006
This Woman:
Is my new role model.
I love her so much. I want to be her.
1.07.2006
Sorry, Brooke
I can't stand having a meme atop my blog.
My UberGirlies had friends over today -- three girls, ages 6, 4 and 2, all sisters. Despite having five little girls playing in my basement, it was vastly less stressful than when the one Uberfriend Claire comes over. It was so peaceful and wonderful, we lost track of time. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I don't like Uberfriend Claire very much.
Anyhow.
After the girls went home, I surveyed the damage in the basement. It looked like a Muppet massacre. An explosion of puppets. Which made me think, what would happen if I Googled "Puppet Explosion?"
This is what happened:
It seems to be some sort of elder abuse:
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Alphabet Meme from Brooke
Brooke, I am only doing this because I love you:
[A is for age:]
I was born in the wagon of a traveling show
My momma had to dance for the money they’d throw
[B is for booze of choice]
Barbella (sambuca and Cointreau)
[C is for career]
Malcontent
[D is for your dog's name:]
I have a cat.
[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Coffee and toilet paper
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
Fanny Shake Polka
[G is for favorite games:]
Leave Mommy Alone She’s Taking a Bath
[H is for hometown:]
Woodridge, IL. For those in the know, that’s where the Wilton headquarters is located!
[I is for instruments you play:]
I used to play the piano, but I haven’t tickled the ivories in a while
[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
I like preserves, any flavor. I don’t like jelly that much.
[K is for kids?]
2 UberGirlies!
[L is for last kiss?:]
I get kissed a lot.
[M is for most admired trait:]
You’d have to ask my admirers.
[N is for name of your crush:]
Dilf. And every other man that reads this blog. But mostly Dilf.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
Two girlies, two hospital stays.
[P is for phobias:]
Parallel parking
[Q is for quotes you like:]
"Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this." -- Tony Soprano
[R is for biggest regret:]
The Evil One and anything to do with him (that’s my first husband)
[S is for sweets of your choice:]
Whipped cream. It makes anything good, better.
[T is for time you wake up:]
It varies now that Dilf works from home. 7:30, on average.
[U is for underwear:]
Yes.
[V is for vegetables you love:]
I love almost all vegetable, and tolerate the rest. I love cauliflower, but it doesn’t love me.
[W is for worst habit:]
Procrastination and avoidance
[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Dental, many. Other, my ankle when I was 5.
[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Dilf? Care to answer?
[Z is for zodiac sign:]
I am a Virgo (September 16th).
1.06.2006
I'm out of ideas.
I've posted an awful lot this week, and it's drained me.
I would just like to say, there is absolutely no excuse for something like this to exist:
"This collectible figurine clock will mesmerize you with the continuously changing color of the fiber optic lights. AC adapter included for the fiberoptic light. The clock requires one AA battery (not included)."It costs
$26.00!
Now that the War Is Over...
I've got laundry to do.
The Culprit Behind the Recent Hostilities
I was misled into thinking the King of Cake mistreated cupcakes. I was misled by
this man who wanted me to topple the King of Cake so that HE could claim the throne.
You, sir, are no friend of pastries!
I hereby declare an end to the hostilities between the King of Cake and me, and move to immediately imprison the Crown Prince of Cake! He is the Crown Prince of Deceit!
1.05.2006
I Almost Forgot -- Bad Music Thursday!
In the excitement of battle, I forgot all about Bad Music Thursday!
Here you go:
Click and Enjoy
People Worse Than the King of Cake
I find it very difficult to focus my wrath on the King of Cake when
people like this populate the Earth.
"A San Ramon couple who police said left their 5- and 10-year-old sons home alone -- but got a dog-sitter for their puppies -- were arrested Tuesday after celebrating the New Year in Las Vegas for five days...
Calero and a tearful De La Vega, the children's stepmother, refused to talk to the detectives, who arrested them on two counts each of felony child endangerment, police said. The couple, who police said may have left the kids home alone before, remained jailed Wednesday night in lieu of $200,000 bail each. They refused media requests for interviews...The boys' mother, Maria Cristina Calero, died of breast cancer in 2003 at the age of 31...
Only later did authorities learn that the younger boy, Jason Calero, who is described by relatives as mildly autistic, was heard earlier Saturday screaming "Help me, help me" from the home while his brother was playing at a friend's house, Kalinowski said. A neighbor retrieved Jason and watched him until Joshua returned home an hour later, the sergeant said.
Police said Calero and De La Vega found someone to care for the puppies -- Popo the pug and Pumpkin the Maltese mix -- that they'd given to one another on Christmas.
"It makes me feel unloved, put it that way," Joshua told The Chronicle."How evil are they?
King of Cake also Queen -- Drag Queen, That Is
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
King of Cake Employs Children In Third World Bake Shop Sweat Shop
Children are forced to work 12 hours a day,
6 days a week for their 12 cent monthly wageYour cakes might not taste as sweet after you find out they were produced using Third World child slave labor.
The King of Cake has enslaved children throughout Southeast Asia to labor in his agonizingly hot bakeries. The children reportedly earn less than a penny a day to churn out an endless supply of confections for the greedy monarch.
When confronted about the practice, the King of Cake chortled merrily, "More dough for me!" Then he added, "My lawyers assure me it's not slavery as long as I pay them. And they
do choose to work for me, you know."
The King of Cake is referring to the advertising campaign used to lure the children into his evil baking trap. Utilizing every corporate spokesman at his disposal, the King has employed his old friend and known pervert The Pillsbury Dough Boy to entice the children into his shops:
Children's advocate Larry Helper explains, "The King of Cake promises these children fun and treats. What he gives them is forced labor and leg shackles. They bake for 12 hours a day, then are shoved out the door, exhausted and coated in flour and powdered sugar."
Mr. Helper's eyes welled up as he continued, "They smell those delicious, delicious cakes baking all day long. They frost them and decorate them, ... and," Helper paused to dab at his eyes with a hanky, "They don't even get to lick the bowl!"
Think about
that the next time you lift that cake-laden fork to your mouth.
1.04.2006
Cupcakes Loosen Cake's Stranglehold on the Birthday Market
Listen to what
Family Fun has to say about replacing the boring birthday "cake" with fun and exciting cupcakes:
"Cupcakes are like presents for everyone at a birthday party, or other celebration. Here are more than 30 cupcake decorating ideas, including the complete "Cupcake Alphabet" and birthday cupcakes."Presents for everyone at every party. How nice is that? And look! You can use lifesavers as little candle holders. Isn't that sweet?
Cupcakes are wonderful. And you know what else is great about cupcakes? You can eat them and still have room for other desserts, like pie, cookies, pudding -- anything you want! Cupcakes know how to share the glory, not hog it like
some confections I know.
Part of Our Arsenal
Evil Clown cupcakes
More Scandals Rock King of Cake's Administration
Another King of Cake Crony Embroiled in a ScandalHere's a story the Cake Man didn't want you to know:
Snack Cake Gate Shocks Patch Sprint World.
"it is important that all Americans, especially children, know about the dangers of snack cake use. We need to better understand the steps the Patch Sprint is taking to get a handle on the snack cake issue, and whether news of those steps, and the public health danger posed by snack cake use, is reaching America's youth."The youth, people. He and his cronies are targeting our nation's youth, unless we stand up and do something about it.
I Have Joined the Army
The
National Cupcake Liberation Army (NCLA).
I've also alerted
these ladies to the situation. As you can see, we clearly have better cleavage on our team. Something you guys might want to consider, when choosing who to support in this war.
I leave you with the NCLA manifesto:
"All too long Cupcakes have been oppressed. Made to live a life of perversion, subversion, and mirtersion. We, The National Cupcake Liberation Army, seek equality for the Cupcakes, and freedom for Cupcakes from the tyranny of the United States of Frosting (USF). Our aims are thrice. Firstly, overthrow the inefficient and corrupt bureaucracy of the USF that uses Cupcakes as a cheap form of unskilled menial labor. Secondly, the right to equality and freedom for all Cupcakes, regardless of sprinkle color. Finally, to organize an independent Cupcake nation in southeastern Sakskatchewan, in an area known as Cupcaketopia. We are non-aggressive in our methods for achieving our goals. Rather, we use civil disobediance, picket lines, and lathered babboons as our chief method of achievement. Come my Brothers! Come my Sisters! Come my Cupcake allies! Together we shall find FREEDOM!"We will fight the corrupt
King of Cake to the last drop of batter in our bowls.
Another Example of Cupcake Superiority
You can take them anywhere without the unpleasant, sticky mess so prevalent and unavoidable with cake transportation.
I present you with ... ta da! The
Cup-A-Cake Cupcake Container.
"This unique container will hold a frosted cupcake in place with protrusions positioned in such a way that the cupcake will not move within the container if bounced, jiggled, or turned upside down."I wouldn't recommend trying that with a cake. Cake doesn't care how difficult it is. Cake disregards your feelings time and time again. Don't get hurt again; have a cupcake! A warm, sweet, considerate cupcake!
1.03.2006
Scandal in King of Cake's Court!
Known King of Cake supporter the Pillsbury Dough Boy was caught in a compromising position. Some of the girls appear to be underage.
This is the kind of company the King of Cake keeps. Who knows who's been kneading his dough?
Cupcakes: Taste the Future
Remember those tired, ho-hum wedding cakes? Dry yellow or white cake, with frosting designed for looks instead of taste? Yeah, I know. They sucked Hostess Sno-balls.
But fear not, dessert lovers! Cupcakes to the rescue!
The hippest trend in weddings is
the Cupcake wedding cake! As the website points out, cupcakes are vastly superior to the ho-hum cakes of yesteryear:
"You can make a variety of flavors to be sure there's something for everyone - even some vegan cupcakes if you have vegan wedding guests. You can color code the cupcake liners (baking cups) to indicate flavor, or use specific decorations for each flavor. The cupcake liners come in a wide range of colors, including silver and gold, so they can match your wedding theme colors." What a crowd-pleaser!
There's an entire
photo gallery of cupcake wedding cakes, but they represent but a fraction of the endless beautiful possibilities made possible through the magic of cupcakes.
Mmmmm, cupcakes.
King of Cake Strikes First, But Victory Will Be Mine!
The King of Cake doesn't waste any time. I opened my mailbox today to find my
Betty Crocker Catalog emblazoned with a warning that "This May Be Your (my) Last Catalog!"
Betty Crocker, one of the King of Cake's corporate henchwomenOkay, my flour fingered friend, if this is how you want to play, know this:
You've heard of
Wilton, haven't you? Of course you have. Any idea where their corporate headquarters is located? I shall tell you: Woodridge, Illinois. Do you know where
I live, doughball? Downers Grove, Illinois.
Look upon thy doom, Cakemaker!That's right, tubby. The town abutting Woodridge to the north. RIGHT NEXT DOOR, sucker. Consider your supply lines compromised, nay, CUT OFF COMPLETELY. That's what military folks call a logistical advantage.
And by the way, I grew up in Woodridge. Do you know who attended grade school with me? Jeff Naccarato.
Just because you have the corporations on your side doesn't mean you'll prevail. You've overlooked your Cupcake Constituency for too long; we shall overcome!
Goodbye, King of Cake!
The so-called
King of Cake has mocked me for the last time! That doughy blowhard has polluted the confectionary world for
too long, and his presence will no longer be tolerated!
Viva la Revolution!
Free the Frosting!
Unbound the Batter!
Trounce the Tyrant!
Keep his sticky fingers out of our cakes!
Polkaholics, I love you, but... you're lucky these guys are from Norway
Watch
this video and tell me you're not changed forever.
Hurra Torpedo, I bow to your genius.
1.02.2006
An Open Letter to the Polkaholics
Dear
Polkaholics:
My husband and I would like to have a 7 Year Itch Anniversary Party, and we want you to be our band. I beg of you, please perform for us. We will pay you. I bought a lottery ticket on Friday in hopes that I could say, "Money is no object! I must have the Polkaholics at my party!" but that didn't pan out. So, we'll discuss the payment part in private.
The reasons why you are the only band who can possibly meet my needs are too numerous to mention, but I will highlight the most important ones:
1. My party concept. I am envisioning a VFW hall, with retro drinks like pink ladies, grasshoppers, side cars, Tom Collinses, Rob Roys and such. Also, hearty ethnic food served (likely) on disposable plates. Decor will features lots of fringe and paper decorations. I will out-Zakopane the Zakopane Lounge!
2. My dearly deceased grandmother. My first marriage
ended badly. My grandma told me, "Next time (you get married) have a polka band." Sadly, Bushia (that's grandma in Polish!) passed away before my second wedding. I had a Spanish guitarist and a jazz band at the reception, and I've felt guilty ever since. Please help me fulfill my grandma's wishes.
3. The pants-wetting. I personally guarantee that my sister will wet her pants when you play the "Fanny Shake Polka." I'm not kidding.
4. I will invite some mutual friends, like, say, Miss Lis, Miss Bridget, Mr. Chris and perhaps some others you may know and love.
Please say yes. My anniversary is April 24, so it will be sometime in the spring. Say yes. I will feed you, too. And provide you with ample liquor. And give you my sister's pants. Say yes. Please say yes.
1.01.2006
"Will He Really Leave Her for Me?" Who the Fuck Cares??!! He's an Asshole.
"If you are waiting for an answer from your lover, then essentially he determines what your future will be. You are a modern-day lady-in-waiting, while his wife, the queen, occupies the position you want and the king has all the power." -- from the book Will He Really Leave Her for MeI read about this book in today's
Chicago Tribune. Reporter Nancy Watkins notes, admiringly, "You've got to hand it to Subotnik for telling it like it is in a truly nonjudgmental way."
I've got news for you, Nancy: women
SHOULD use judgment when choosing a partner in life. Forget the competition with the wife, and focus on this fact alone: if you became involved before any divorce papers were filed or his wife's death certificate was filed, your lover lies, breaks the most serious of promises, and is a selfish coward. Oh, I'm sorry, was that too judgmental for you? Too fucking bad.
I'm not talking about flirtation here. Or a drunken one-night stand that a person regrets, or an ill-considered kiss or emotional attachment that led nowhere. These things are certainly regrettable and cause for concern, but they don't reveal a fatal character flaw.
I'm talking about someone who enters into a full-blown relationship with you, while married to someone else -- compromising your future in the process. I'm talking about a man (or woman, in the case of a lesbian) who made a solemn vow in either a courtroom or a church to someone else, and then broke that vow. How could you possibly trust his word after that? You can come up with a million excuses for him, but his behavior is inexcusable.
If he stays married for the money, he values money above his honor. If he stays married for the kids, he should be faithful to them, too. If he has children and he is cheating, he is cheating on the
entire family. If he stays married for social standing, then he is a coward who puts other people's opinions above his own principles.
Why would you want a guy like that? Women tend to blame and examine their own behavior; what about looking at his for a change? Even if he did eventually leave his wife, why would you want him? He has already proven himself unworthy of your trust and too weak to adhere to the bare minimum of moral standards.
Being alone with your dignity intact is better than occasionally sharing a bed with someone not worth your attention.
New Year's Resolutions
I'll be sharing mine soon. I'm sure one of them will be to watch, if not lose some of, my weight. In the mean time, enjoy your New Year. Goodbye, 2005; hello 2006!
