7.01.2008
Why, This Almost Tastes Like Real Food!

Not only did my mother and grandmother teach me to cook, I had many years of actual cooking experience when my mother went back to work full-time, and I was put in charge of dinner at the tender age of 12.

So, when I disastrously married for the first time at the (again, tender) age of 21, I was not at a loss in the kitchen -- until my then-husband (remember him?) turned up his nose at my from-scratch cooking and demanded food the way his sainted mother used to make.

Because his sainted mother worked full time and spent her leisure time sleeping with her married boss to further her career, the "food" she fed her offspring came from a series of boxes containing pre-measured dehydrated semi-organic matter that required little more than a sprinkling of water to bring it back to "life." In fact, Elder cooks similar items with her Easy Bake Oven.

So, against my better judgment (my entire marriage, nay, my dealings with that man from the very beginning, could begin with the phrase "against my better judgment), I began buying and preparing things like instant potatoes, Shake and Bake, Rice a Roni (which really isn't that bad in comparison to the others), Cheez Whiz, packets of dehydrated gravy... oh, the list is endless and nauseating. Do you really need to hear it?

Needless to say, Dilf is quite the opposite. In addition to actually enjoying sex with women (or, now, woMAN, singular. Right, Dilf??), he prefers food made from actual foodstuffs. That you can pick up with your hands and look at in its natural form. That my ex preferred instant mashed potatoes to homemade is as foreign to him as the random, anonymous blowjobs in the forest preserve outhouse that my ex preferred to loving me.

Incidentally, I can't believe I haven't written more about my ex-mother-in-law. I mean, there was this about her cat, and this, in which I fictionalized the ending to reflect how I wish it had ended.

But I never wrote about her flossing the afore-mentioned boyfriend's teeth in front of us? After she had finished clipping his toenails while he sat in the Barcalounger? Really? Because there's some good material, there.

Maybe when the food month of July is over, I'll tackle her and her issues.
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area



If being easily irritated, impatient and rebellious is sexy, then call me MILF -- Übermilf.

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