Unexplainable Sadness
At the end of the month, we’ll be celebrating one year in our house. This also means that a few weeks past that, I’ll be remembering my miscarriage.

I’ve actually had two miscarriages, also the same number of vasectomies my husband has had. The first one occurred after my husband’s first vasectomy. Months after his first vasectomy. In fact, it was months after his last test deemed him to be sperm-free. It should have read, with an asterisk, temporarily sperm free.

Anyway, that time I was pregnant but a few weeks. I miscarried in the doctor’s office. I was disappointed, but somehow it felt like that pregnancy never really “took,” as if the process began but then ended without a real life forming within me.
imagesThe second time was different. I literally conceived the week my husband went in for his second vasectomy.
We were also anticipating our upcoming move to a new house. We laughed about how we really must be meant to have three children. We thought about which room would be the new baby’s.

I really don’t want to calculate how far along my pregnancy was when I started to have problems, although it would be really easy to figure out. I don’t want to think about it. But soon after we moved, after telling all the new neighbors we were expecting a third child, I started to cramp and bleed.

The doctor started me on hormones immediately after taking a blood test that pinpointed the problem, but it was too late. I tried bed rest. I tried everything. But it got worse and worse, and I lost the baby. It was horrifying, to watch the signs and know what was happening, without being able to do a damn thing about it. Childbirth was painful, but this was unbearable. Why was I losing a baby I was so ready to love and so able to care for?

I dreamt about it, probably six or eight months later. In the dream, I was picking up my oldest daughter from a swimming pool. I said, to someone unseen, "No. I have more children." I was screaming, “Where are my babies? I have more babies!” But some unknown woman sadly shook her head and said, “No. They’re dead.” And in my dream I ran to my youngest daughter’s crib, relieved she was still alive. But I grieved for the two that weren't there.

It will soon be a year since it happened, and it's been a happy one. I’ve been enjoying being able to do more and more with my girls as they get older, as well as enjoying more and more freedom. I look forward to potty training; no more diapers! I do not in any way regret the success of the second vasectomy. I feel "done."

But for some reason I can’t explain, I am crying tonight for a baby I never had.
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area

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