No coupons in today's paper.

I have been thinking about Magic Winter Gift-Giving Time (let's face it, that's what it is.) I would love it if the religious and secular aspects would be separated out and I could stand on conviction and avoid all the bloated consumer nonsense associated with this time of year. Yes, I would love the "War on Christmas" to be settled in favor of the anti-"Christmas" brigade. I propose that we forget trying to link any of those pagan or American consumerist traditions to religion and embrace their piggy splendor while allowing the religious holiday to be celebrated in dignity.

I wouldn't celebrate Magic Winter Gift-Giving Time, and I'd be brave enough to explain my reasons to my kids. Other people have had to do that with Santa and Christmas stuff all these years, so it's only fair that I fight for my convictions for a change. Here's how I would celebrate the season:

• In lieu of Santa leaving presents in the wee hours between December 24 and December 25, St. Nicholas would leave gifts for children only in the wee hours between December 5 and December 6. I would call the kids in sick to school that day, and we'd celebrate St. Nick's feast day.
• Adults won't get presents. Deal with it and shut up.
• Instead of the tree being the focus, I'd get a manger scene and keep adding to it every year. Like my Halloween village, only it'll be Bethlehem and shepherds and stuff.
• I'd celebrate Advent, and we'd make a Jesse Tree.
• We'd have a huge party Christmas Eve, which would resemble Thanksgiving instead of the monotonous gift-opening extravaganza we currently have. It's boring and the kids start ripping open packages like ravenous hyenas. I'd rather have a big feast, games and convivial friend/familial interaction.
• Christmas Day would resemble a lazy Sunday, going to Church (if we didn't go the night before) and lounging around playing games and eating leftovers.
• We'd have another party on Three King's Day, with a nice dinner and King's Cake. The end.

But here's the deal: Magic Gift-Giving Time must relinquish any and all claims on Christmas songs with any hint of religious meaning. For instance, we keep "Silent Night" and they get "It's a Marshmallow World in the Winter." No public nativity scenes, angels or anything like that. Those are ours. You can keep the rest of that other bullshit, like light-up reindeer and dogs burping "Jingle Bells" or whatever.

I know I don't have a snowflake's chance in hell of making any of this happen, but it's my dream, anyways.

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