8.19.2011
Writing Tools: Idiots Who Think They're Great Because Other Idiots Respond to Them
I write for my
local Patch*, a fun diversion that also pays a bit of extra pocket money so I can get my eyebrows threaded and keep Dilf in bon bons**. Fortunately, a lot of other talented people contribute as well. Unfortunately,
this guy does, too.
I hate that guy***. He mines old, tired controversies so he can collect old, tired, belligerent comments on them and, I don't know, sit on top of them like
Yertle the Turtle and be King of All He Surveys. Or at least
Geneva, Illinois, where I'm sure his neighbors are sick of him by now.
Let me state his crimes against writing:
One, remember the old saying? "Dog Bites Man" isn't news, but "Man Bites Dog" IS news, because it's unusual. So, Wheaton College, an Evangelical Protestant Christian University whose motto is "For Christ and His Kingdom," and where dancing and alcohol were
banned until 2003 isn't gay friendly? You don't say? See, here's what would've been worth talking about: Wheaton College secretly sponsors midnight all-gay orgies in the Billy Graham museum. Or, that
Berkeley carries out pogroms against gays and ships them off to
Michele Bachmann's husband's summer camp. To sum up, his columns not only don't reveal any new information, they don't even say anything interesting. They repeat conventionally-held beliefs.
Two, his writing is lazy and derivative. Writing a column about someone accused of sexually abusing children? By all means, mention Catholic priests. Everyone will titter at your edginess and insight. 8,000 Jay Leno jokes dating back a decade or so can't be wrong, right? And hey, make sure you talk about wimmins gettin' cranky when they has their periods, amiright, fellas? That one dates back, as far as I can tell, to the days of the
Red Tent before the twelve tribes of Israel were formed, but hey, I'm not saying it's
old or anything.
Three, as I already stated above, he repurposes old controversies to blatantly pander for comments. In
this column, he admits to reusing an issue raised in March on July 29
just because of the many comments it caused. Hey, maybe I'll try that, too.
David Soul is ugly and untalented! David Soul is ugly and untalented! David Soul is ugly and untalented! (Is it working yet?)
Four, he insists on telling people over and over and OVER how he drives a motorcycle and plays an electric guitar so FOR GOD'S SAKES people, despite the fact he looks like
Michael Gross from
Family Ties in his picture (since taken down), he is cool cool COOL like Fonzie. I bet he has the leather jacket and Rush t-shirts to prove it, so don't even THINK he's not hip.
The worst thing is, I can't even call this guy out without commenting on his articles, which is
exactly what he wants! Instead,
certain other Downers Grove-based writers and I resort to snarky comments amongst ourselves on Facebook. No, the worst thing is, this guy is syndicated across several Patch sites as if he is worthy of mass-distribution. I can't wait until winter so he can write about
shoveling snow again.
God, I'm a bitch sometimes.
*I actually write for a couple of Patch(es)
**It's actually Irish whiskey, but I prefer conjuring up Dilf wearing a see-through dressing gown lined with maribou feathers while he watches "his stories" with his sling-back mules propped up on an ottoman
***I don't hate him so much as I hate his writing. I've never actually met him. He could be a rather nice guy. I have my doubts, however.
8.15.2011
You Know What? I'm Back, Bitches.
I listened to this today, and I'm re-fired up:
I'm a'gonna get me one of these, too:
Viva la revolution, babies.
3.25.2011
Why Do I Do These Things Again?
If we are going to continue to be friends, I must know now: how do you feel about Downers Grove's stormwater abatement activities? Please include the words "foot capacity" in your answer.
Sadly, I have become more and more aware of local politics, since writing for my town's
Patch website. I now have Facebook friends whose status updates include spine-tingling committee meeting reports and indignant responses to outrageous budget line items. I know you wish you were me.
Back to the stormwater question. It's actually a topic of hot debate with bitter accusations thrown back and forth.
Seriously. Because I have learned that every single thing in the universe is a divisive, contentious issue in this town.
I have also learned that every inch of my town is crawling with dangerous, homeless felons who have turned entering any public place a life-risking proposition. Going to the library? Please wear a bullet-proof vest. The bowling alley in the theater building? Have you no sense of self-preservation whatsoever? And don't get me started on the roving gangs of teenagers who will tag you as soon as look at you with their cans of spray paint, which they are undoubtedly huffing when they aren't defacing public property. It's true! My neighbor's cousin's friend said she saw gang symbols painted all over her neighborhood. Also, I saw a guy with rumpled clothes and a scruffy beard walking around downtown. It's not safe anywhere!
Of course, none of that scares me because I live on the south side of Downers. Which explains why I am so gangsta.
2.28.2011
Some Parasites Suckling at the Taxpayer's Teat Cleared My Street at 2 a.m. What Assholes.
Some guy stealing well-deserved wealth from our industry leaders cleared up our streets after the ice storm last night. Did you hear the sucking sound coming from your wallet? Oh, that's right, you were sleeping. You earned that sleep by working hard. Unlike that dumb slob who was out there in the cold in his snowplow making sure the streets were drivable in the morning so you didn't wrap your Lexus around a light pole. He's a leech.
How does he sleep at night, knowing he's stealing money from hard-working taxpayers? When there's not a snow or ice storm, I mean. Because he's not sleeping then. He's out collecting more money than he deserves. From the taxpayers.
You know who would do it better, cheaper, and more efficiently? A private company. I mean, I have no direct proof of that. But I'm guessing it must be true, because every time a private company has taken over for a public service provider, it's worked out really well. What, you're concerned a private company might cut a few corners to increase profits? Well, they should. If you want quality service, you'll have to pay for it.
If you can't afford high-quality service providers, you deserve to die in an ice storm. It's a simple as that. If you insist on being poor and lazy, you deal with the consequences. That's your personal choice.
What's ruining this country is people thinking they deserve as much as their betters. I think it all started when we spoiled people with a public sewage system. Once the poor stopped emptying their own (and rich people's) piss buckets, they got all sorts of crazy ideas.
I long for the good old days, when a good cholera outbreak could wipe society clean every now and again.
2.14.2011
Evil Things in My Head
Here are some evil things I've thought/said today*:
- Since you assume all children misbehave at all times, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're a hateful, prune-faced old crone at all times. You're right sometimes, I'm right ALL the time.
- I want to push Guy Fieri in front of a bus
- You already proved yourself too stupid to read correctly. Why would I respond to you in writing this time?
- Really? You're an Ayn Rand fan eagerly awaiting the release of the new "Atlas Shrugged" movie? Because recent events haven't proven rich industrialists are not only NOT the smartest people in the room, but actually the cause of everything coming crashing down around us while they mewl for bailouts instead of taking responsibility? I hope you choke on your popcorn when that piece of crap comes out. See if Rand Paul gives you the Heimlich. ("What does his choking have to do with ME?")
- Conway Twitty (inside joke)
- Look, shut up about the fucking Romans and fucking Hallmark or whatever the fuck else you're on about. February is a fucking shitty month and I need a few conversation hearts and some roses and some motherfucking chocolate to cheer me up, so leave me the fuck alone about Valentines Day, okay? Now eat the goddamned heart-shaped mini cake I made you. Happy fucking Valentines Day.
- Do people r
eally find your inept repetition of other people's tired old observational humor circa 1956 to be clever? They do? Good for you. Most people seem kind of scared of my writing, so maybe your warmed-over plagiarism is the better plan.
If I think of more, I'll let you know
*The the only I actually said, of any of these, is "I want to push Guy Fieri in front of a bus." I don't actually want to, but I am sick of seeing him every time I turn on the TV. Also, I doubt he would find my comment amidst the torrent of "I HATE GUY FIERI" posts on the internet, so my chances of actually hurting his feelings is practically nil. Oh, and I did say "Conway Twitty" but only one person even knows what that means.
2.11.2011
Crapping on the Normies
Okay, I know I promised via the
nabalapambo thingie to blog every day this month, and yes, I do see the irony of breaking that promise during a month dedicated to CHARACTER, and yes, it is the shortest month and all, but... just shut up, okay? I'm very very busy. You're lucky I talk to you AT ALL. Especially you,
Randal.
But I became inspired to write because there is a vocal, simpering, whiny, unable-to-take-criticism minority in this country that every media outlet kowtows too and who is over-represented in every sitcom and commercial on TV.
I am talking about normal people.
Now, not all normal people are normal people. A lot of people are just PRETENDING to be normal people. I hate that, too.
Which is why, even though I don't have a child with autism, I completely relate to
this lady. She overheard some nauseating blowhards being annoying at the library, and when she wrote about it, a lot of "them" complained. (I picture them looking like a bunch of Thurston Howells, sitting in their living rooms with laptops on their laps, spitting out their pineapple drinks to snivel, "Lovey! Did you
SEE what that horrible woman said about us??"
Well, we're sick of you. We're sick of your lack of empathy, we're sick of you walking around like your shit doesn't stink, we're sick of your smug sense of self satisfaction (sorry for the plagiarism,
Todd.) We're sick of you not caring we don't have health insurance or that we lost our job or our house. We're sick of you not understanding how hard it is for a lot of us in one way or another, and for thinking that it's all our fault/problem, and that you think we should just shut up, because frankly we're ruining your good time with our complaints.
I will end with this video from someone who DOES get it, and who is NOT on my shit list, Louis CK:
1.31.2011
I'm Stretching My Muscles. Stop Staring, Perv.
Since I've deluded myself into believing I'm a writer again (much less dangerous than some of my other delusions, although potentially more annoying to the general populace), I've decided to get a workout every day. A
nablopomo workout. This week's theme: character. So I must insist you read every post with Donald Duck's voice inside your head.
It's not February yet so I've got to save up some writing fodder. This is all you're getting.
Oh, and I know the picture attached to this post has nothing to do with the content. I just found it representative of my worldview.
eally find your inept repetition of other people's tired old observational humor circa 1956 to be clever? They do? Good for you. Most people seem kind of scared of my writing, so maybe your warmed-over plagiarism is the better plan.
