I write for my local Patch*, a fun diversion that also pays a bit of extra pocket money so I can get my eyebrows threaded and keep Dilf in bon bons**. Fortunately, a lot of other talented people contribute as well. Unfortunately, this guy does, too.

I hate that guy***. He mines old, tired controversies so he can collect old, tired, belligerent comments on them and, I don't know, sit on top of them like Yertle the Turtle and be King of All He Surveys. Or at least Geneva, Illinois, where I'm sure his neighbors are sick of him by now.

Let me state his crimes against writing:

One, remember the old saying? "Dog Bites Man" isn't news, but "Man Bites Dog" IS news, because it's unusual. So, Wheaton College, an Evangelical Protestant Christian University whose motto is "For Christ and His Kingdom," and where dancing and alcohol were banned until 2003 isn't gay friendly? You don't say? See, here's what would've been worth talking about: Wheaton College secretly sponsors midnight all-gay orgies in the Billy Graham museum. Or, that Berkeley carries out pogroms against gays and ships them off to Michele Bachmann's husband's summer camp. To sum up, his columns not only don't reveal any new information, they don't even say anything interesting. They repeat conventionally-held beliefs.

Two, his writing is lazy and derivative. Writing a column about someone accused of sexually abusing children? By all means, mention Catholic priests. Everyone will titter at your edginess and insight. 8,000 Jay Leno jokes dating back a decade or so can't be wrong, right? And hey, make sure you talk about wimmins gettin' cranky when they has their periods, amiright, fellas? That one dates back, as far as I can tell, to the days of the Red Tent before the twelve tribes of Israel were formed, but hey, I'm not saying it's old or anything.

Three, as I already stated above, he repurposes old controversies to blatantly pander for comments. In this column, he admits to reusing an issue raised in March on July 29 just because of the many comments it caused. Hey, maybe I'll try that, too. David Soul is ugly and untalented! David Soul is ugly and untalented! David Soul is ugly and untalented! (Is it working yet?)

Four, he insists on telling people over and over and OVER how he drives a motorcycle and plays an electric guitar so FOR GOD'S SAKES people, despite the fact he looks like Michael Gross from Family Ties in his picture (since taken down), he is cool cool COOL like Fonzie. I bet he has the leather jacket and Rush t-shirts to prove it, so don't even THINK he's not hip.

The worst thing is, I can't even call this guy out without commenting on his articles, which is exactly what he wants! Instead, certain other Downers Grove-based writers and I resort to snarky comments amongst ourselves on Facebook. No, the worst thing is, this guy is syndicated across several Patch sites as if he is worthy of mass-distribution. I can't wait until winter so he can write about shoveling snow again.

God, I'm a bitch sometimes.

*I actually write for a couple of Patch(es)

**It's actually Irish whiskey, but I prefer conjuring up Dilf wearing a see-through dressing gown lined with maribou feathers while he watches "his stories" with his sling-back mules propped up on an ottoman

***I don't hate him so much as I hate his writing. I've never actually met him. He could be a rather nice guy. I have my doubts, however.