"If you are waiting for an answer from your lover, then essentially he determines what your future will be. You are a modern-day lady-in-waiting, while his wife, the queen, occupies the position you want and the king has all the power."
-- from the book Will He Really Leave Her for Me

I read about this book in today's Chicago Tribune. Reporter Nancy Watkins notes, admiringly, "You've got to hand it to Subotnik for telling it like it is in a truly nonjudgmental way."

I've got news for you, Nancy: women SHOULD use judgment when choosing a partner in life. Forget the competition with the wife, and focus on this fact alone: if you became involved before any divorce papers were filed or his wife's death certificate was filed, your lover lies, breaks the most serious of promises, and is a selfish coward. Oh, I'm sorry, was that too judgmental for you? Too fucking bad.

I'm not talking about flirtation here. Or a drunken one-night stand that a person regrets, or an ill-considered kiss or emotional attachment that led nowhere. These things are certainly regrettable and cause for concern, but they don't reveal a fatal character flaw.

I'm talking about someone who enters into a full-blown relationship with you, while married to someone else -- compromising your future in the process. I'm talking about a man (or woman, in the case of a lesbian) who made a solemn vow in either a courtroom or a church to someone else, and then broke that vow. How could you possibly trust his word after that? You can come up with a million excuses for him, but his behavior is inexcusable.

If he stays married for the money, he values money above his honor. If he stays married for the kids, he should be faithful to them, too. If he has children and he is cheating, he is cheating on the entire family. If he stays married for social standing, then he is a coward who puts other people's opinions above his own principles.

Why would you want a guy like that? Women tend to blame and examine their own behavior; what about looking at his for a change? Even if he did eventually leave his wife, why would you want him? He has already proven himself unworthy of your trust and too weak to adhere to the bare minimum of moral standards.

Being alone with your dignity intact is better than occasionally sharing a bed with someone not worth your attention.