Jimmy Carter had them. George Bush has them. Even my local weatherman has one. This Easter, I have two Brother Trouble stories of my own.

First, the Evangelicals didn't show up to my house for Easter dinner. My sister-in-law called me on Saturday to tell me that, while they had originally planned on coming, their plans had changed.

It appears the answer to "WWJD" is "attempt to avoid subpoenas by crossing state lines because your son is filing a fraudulent lawsuit and if you were called to the stand, you'd have to tell the truth and that would ruin his case."

Thus, Evangelical Mother-in-Law high-tailed it down to Florida while Evangelical Father-in-Law escaped to their Lake Geneva summer condo. So, carrying on the enabling tradition so entrenched in the family, my sister-in-law and her husband were spending Easter with him in Wisconsin so he wouldn't be alone. Is that aiding and abetting a fugitive, I wonder?

Now, exactly what this lawsuit entails is unclear. I'm not even sure which brother is involved. I do know that these holy, upright people have been allowing one of their sons to live with them while he avoids paying child support, claiming "they don't know where he is" whenever someone comes looking for him. Yes, they make Jesus proud, don't they?

Then, my brother is in financial trouble again and is lying about it. I can't be any more specific than that, because he's a big fucking liar. Is he gambling? Committing fraud like an Evangelical? A drug addict? We don't know. We do know that my mother can NOT be exposed to stressful situations at this time. Whatever his problem is, he's got to be honest about it or else stop asking us for money. Yeah, he didn't show up for Easter, either.

He really makes me angry. He's in his forties with a wife and kid. He's not disabled in any way. What's his fucking problem? Whatever it is, he's the one who's got to fix it. I'm tired of his bullshit.

Don't get me started on his wife, Cuntzilla. She's a big part of it, too. Grow the fuck up, people.

ADDENDUM: As today goes on, it seems painfully clear that I have to let my brother go. My parents are continuing to fund him, and both he and his wife are still talking about buying a new car and a new house. They have a sickness that I will not feed. My sisters won't feed it, either -- we've all been ripped off by him in the past. My parents won't acknowledge his lying and cheating and lack of accountability; that's sad. But I refuse to discuss him with them any longer. If the brother I remember from my childhood ever comes back, I'll be happy to see him. But this guy -- this scam artist, self-entitled loser -- I don't know him and I don't like him.