Santa Critically Injured by Jiggsbusters; Myth Sheepishly Declared "Confirmed"

Jiggsbusters did not believe in Santa before, but they do now. Unfortunately, their newfound faith came at a terrible price: they tied up and tortured a man they assumed to be a fake St. Nick, only to find he was very, very real.

"Sorry about that," Jiggs Casey said in a written statement earlier today.

The beloved icon suffered a concussion and a broken leg when he fell down a flight of stairs after breaking free of his bonds and running out of the apartment shared by Jiggs Casey and his Jiggsbusting partner, Tasty MC.

St. Nicholas was found at the foot of the stairs, feebly moaning, "Naughty, naughty..." He was airlifted to his enchanted North Pole castle, where he is being treated by Dr. Malachy Mystic, an expert in the care and treatment of magical beings, and his team of elves.

Mr. Jingles Sugarplum, St. Nick's spokeself, issued the following statement on St. Nick's behalf:

"We expect Santa Claus to make a full and complete recovery, although it looks like he is out for the season. While the elves assure you the toy production schedule will not be affected by Saint Nick's injuries, the distribution of the toys to the world's children is currently in doubt."

When the press erupted in cries of dismay, Sugarplum held up his tiny hand and further announced, "All is not lost. There remains one man who can travel the earth at breakneck speed, and make it across the globe in one night. His name is Nick."

"Excuse me," interrupted one of the reporters, "We know that. But isn't he out of commission?"

"I'm not talking about Saint Nick -- the man we need now is... Cowboy Nick. The problem is, we're not entirely sure where he is right now. This recent photo, sent to us this morning, shows him enjoying himself on vacation."

"We can't pinpoint his exact location," continued Sugarplum, "but we do know that in order to reach the beach from his beach house, you would need to make your way down an unsealed road off the main highway, passing cane fields, grazing goats and cattle, until you come to the ocean. We also received reports he is staying near the staging area for the ocean-kayaking segment of the 2002 Eco-Challenge expedition race.

"Please, if anyone has any information pertaining to the whereabouts of Cowboy Nick, let us know immediately. The hopes and dreams of countless children around the world are at stake. We appreciate any help the general public can give us at this critical time."

Mr. Sugarplum then ended the press conference, tears streaming down his pointy little nose.
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