I'm like an 80's stock trader doing coke in the afternoon and drinking scotch to fall asleep at night, only with me it's Sudaphed at 7 p.m. and chamomile tea in the middle of the night. In my zeal to avoid another sinus headache at all costs, I seem to have overmedicated myself by taking the aforementioned Sudaphed (12 hour), a Claritin and two squirts of Nasonex in each nostril, and now I've got the shakes and can't sleep. But enough about my glamorous drug-addled life, and onto why I think what's happening to Christmas heralds the destruction of humanity's underpinnings.

I do believe Christmas is under attack, but it's not at the hands of atheists or the ACLU or non-Christians. And, it's not just Christmas -- I theorize, with absolutely no evidence except my gut feelings, which is what I base most of my cockamamie theories upon (cockamamie's a fun word, isn't it?), that the same forces are fighting a "war on weddings."

But let's focus on Christmas for now. What's destroying Christmas is not an effort to squash it outright, but a mighty successful campaign to replace it. It's not a "don't celebrate Christmas," but a "celebrate Christmas THIS way."

How much of the ubiquitous cultural "Christmas" machine is actually religious? How many made-for-TV movies starring Patricia Heaton have anything to do with Jesus being born? How many Claymations specials? Is it the incarnation of Jesus Christ and the story surrounding it that drives people to the psychiatrist's couch?

No, it's the incessant Andy Williams songs pushing "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" down our throats with military precision, and the accompanying "What's wrong with you?" if you don't agree.

And there is a prescription to what makes it "wonderful," and it has nothing to do with God. It's about maintaining stability, keeping the herd of cows in line, and the commercialism and consumerism is the icing on the cake. Playing the "Why do you hate Baby Jesus?" card is a convenient club to keep people from questioning the "traditions," many of which are completely contrived and only about 50 years old.

I also feel Christianity in general is being threatened in the same way, by Mega-churches whose goal has nothing to do with God and everything with promoting the "American" way of life. This is the brand of "Christianity" that is growing.

Right now, I feel like studying the propaganda techniques of the former Soviet Union and other totalitarian regimes, because I have the sneaking suspicion they're being used on us.

Of course, that could just be the Sudaphed talking.