As I was driving today, I realized how closely my driving resembles my approach to life. I drive in a constant state of anxiety that someone will usurp my lane and crash into me. It doesn't help that the two car accidents I have been in (one so minor that no damage was done) have both involved someone crossing into my lane and hitting me.
Now I drive constantly aware of each and every car, making sure I'm in nobody's blind spot, driving neither too fast nor too slow, but in perfect rhthym with everyone else so that nobody crashes into me. I am convinced that at all times, at least one of my fellow drivers is so selfish, so intent on his or her aims that he or she doesn't care whom he or she crashes into.
Or, the someone is frantic, and may make a mistake. Or, someone is on allergy medication... or worried about a loved one... or any number of other reasons. It doesn't matter the reason; I am constantly braced for attack.
Unfortunately, that's how I live my life as well. It's led me to develop a dangerous strain of perfectionism -- if I don't make any mistakes and keep cute as can be, I lessen my chances of being hurt. It caused me to develop anorexia in high school, put up with abuse at TEO's hands, and made me terrified of aging. I constantly fear losing people's love because I am not cute enough, not nice enough, not entertaining enough, or, (ahem), I don't like the band Queen.
Now, I am worried because I am hurting myself. No, not cutting or attempting suicide, or anything serious. Just treating myself like shit, then punishing myself for treating myself badly by treating myself even worse. I want so badly to break this cycle, but every failure compounds. The more I need to treat myself well -- feed myself healthy food, exercise, play, create -- the less I do it because I'm flogging myself for mistreating myself in the first place.
I would tell my doctor about this, but I really don't want more meds. I already have depression and anxiety meds, and they have helped. But I need some sort of behavioral change that lets me climb out of this pit. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Evidence of my downward spiral: Insomnia
I woke up at 1:30 a.m. and didn't fall back asleep until nearly 4:30 a.m., despite watching the movie "Orca" on American Movie Classics (clearly a misnomer.) I can't explain why; the closest I can come is my joints felt itchy.
Further evidence of my downward spiral: today's food log
Breakfast: 3 cups of coffee with half and half and REAL sugar; black cherry yogurt
Lunch: Green salad with ranch dressing, coconut shrimp with french fries, 1/2 gallon or so of lemonade
Afternoon: Piece of glazed cake, 1 butter cookie, 1 key lime cookie
Later afternoon: Ginger ale
Dinner: Handful of potato chips, some Reese's Peanut Butter Bites, Macaroni and Cheese
But at least I didn't eat this:
It also comes in Key Lime and Passion Fruit. Hurry; they're limited!
