Yes, November brings Thanksgiving. Usually, I hostess this cooking-intensive holiday.

This year, my mother-in-law is hosting.

While I am grateful I will not be getting out of bed at 5 a.m. to thrust a 25 pound animal carcass into my oven, I have the following complaints:

1. She's serving lamb. I hate lamb. I hate the side dishes that typically accompany lamb. Plus, lambs are born in the spring. Exactly how old is this "lamb?" I hate the spices used with lamb, with the exception of garlic. Mint belongs in my toothpaste, not in my entree. Dilf loves lamb, and will want to kiss me with rancid lamb lips. I am against this plan.

2. My mother in law has many fine qualities. She's a wonderful, knowledgeable medical professional who's always willing to help. She's kind and generous. She knows how to sew and has made clothes and quilts for us and the girls. She knits, too.

She is not a good cook. Sorry.

3. Tradition! Suck it up and have turkey once a year, Poppy! Because don't think I don't know who's behind this crazy scheme. Turkey-hating Poppy, that's who!

I hope I am allowed to bring the dessert. I'll bring something that goes well with the saltine crackers I will have stowed away in my purse for dinner. What wine goes with saltines?