I cleaned up a scene of unimaginable horror and unbelievable gore this afternoon. I can only imagine it was karmic payback for the time I had food poisoning in the Kentucky Fried Chicken off the Damen exit of the Eisenhower Expressway, only to find the toilet was out of order.

Believe it or not, it all started three days ago. That's when ÜberYounger stopped having bowel movements. While she's mastered "number one" quite well, she's still working on getting the toilet in time for "number two." I believe she'd chosen to hold it until she could hold it no longer.

That day was today.

We were supposed to be napping, she and I. It's always naptime at 1 p.m., a good hour and 45 minutes before ÜberElder and her snotty friend come through the door. I fell asleep, and I thought Younger had as well. Perhaps she did, for a time. But she escaped without my knowing, to create the worst bio-disaster I have ever had the misfortune to experience firsthand.

After she had unloaded on the bathroom floor, evidence suggests she tried to scoop it up and put it in the toilet, dirtying her hands, which she wiped across her abdomen to "clean." She obviously couldn't think of a way to clean her feet, so she left tracks instead.

Then, she played with my nail polishes, and left one bottle on the side of the bathtub while she considered how to turn on the faucet to clean off the bottle. When she couldn't get a good grip on the faucet, she left the bottle where it was.

She then came into my bedroom to wake me up, bare naked, with a smear of what I hoped, vainly, was chocolate syrup across her tummy.

I cleaned everything up (twice, actually. Once to remove debris, again to disinfect.) Little Über was wiped with moist wipes, sprayed down with shower nozzle, bathed, rinsed again, dried and re-dressed. I threw everything involved in the episode away, including my rubber gloves.

I then searched the house for evidence she'd been elsewhere. Since we had made chocolate chip cookies the other day, there were some chocolate smears that I had to sniff to be sure they were chocolate. They were.

I think I'm taking us out to dinner tonight.