Previously, I've introduced you to two of my family's special code phrases, the Meat Dream and the Big V. Today I will teach you a very specialized term, Apple Haus Explosion, or, simply, Apple Haus.

This is a long explanation, so pay attention.

The Apple Haus is located in Long Grove, Illinois, a quaint and picturesque village filled with stores selling beautiful and unique items. We call perusing such stores "frou frou shopping," a term you might want to add to the lexicon. (If you mention Long Grove to Dilf, he will begin babbling things like, "Oh, you go on ahead I'll watch the girls no really I insist oh please let me stay home or I might have to stab my eyeballs out with rusty farm implements if you take me back to that horror show of antique shops and dainty sandwiches with the crusts cut off")

Back to our story. My mom, my sister and I went frou frou shopping in historic Long Grove, Illinois one day. My mom said, "Park by the Apple Haus." Mmmm, okay mom.

As we exited the car, my sister asked, "What store do you want to see first?"

My mother answered, "I don't care, as long as it's near the Apple Haus." Now, the Apple Haus is fun, it sells yummy treats, and it used to process its own apples on site in an apple press until some whiny North Shore asshole sued them because he got stung by a wasp (true story.) Anyway, the Apple Haus is a wonderful place, but my mother had never expressed that much affection for it before. Mmmm, okay mom.

So we commenced to frou-frouing. All of sudden, my mom stopped dead in her tracks and said, "We have to go back to the Apple Haus." Okay, we said, but continued our leisurely admiration of useless things. "No, NOW!!" she hissed.

As we rushed to the Apple Haus, my sister and I kept asking, "What's at the Apple Haus, mom? Why do you need to go there?" She wouldn't answer the first few times, then she turned and growled, "There's -- a -- nice -- public -- BATHROOM -- there!!!!"

Oh.

My sister and I waited for my mother in a (surprise) gift shop. We giggled to ourselves as we found a shelf lined with squatting frog statues that made us think of our mother's current plight.

And from then on, "Apple Haus explosion" became code for diarrhea.