As I've mentioned, my 20-year high school reunion is coming up.  Some people may remember my ex-husband, who also graduated with us, and may ask what happened to him (he's listed among the missing.)

Before Larry Craig, the explanation might've been long and painful.  But now, I have several succinct and illustrative responses.

"He pulled a 'Larry Craig' on me," for instance.  Or, "He's gay -- not good gay, Larry Craig gay."  Or even, "He was doing the 'Larry Craig Stomp' in the men's room."  The possibilities are endless!

You see, Larry Craig personifies that closeted, self-loathing gay man who engages in dangerous, socially-unacceptable sexual practices, actively bashes homosexuality in a particularly vicious manner, and will do anything to avoid facing reality.  Thanks to him, I don't need to engage in a lengthy discussion about what sort of guy my ex-husband turned out to be; I just need one sentence to get the whole story across.  For that, I can't help but feel grateful.

But I've also been thinking about Mr. Craig's motives in trying to block gay people from feeling part of normal society.  I'm starting to think his motives go beyond self-flagellation, and might actually be cunningly selfish.  See, if gay men don't feel shame, they won't hide out in shadowy, degrading pit stops waiting for Craig to stumble upon them.  There goes all his fun!  He's got to keep gay people in a metaphorical (or perhaps, literal) "dungeon" or they won't put out for a pasty, fleshy windbag with no fashion sense.

Not only would all the delicious "naughtiness" be gone from his sexual encounters, but he'd have to step up his game to attract partners!  No wonder he fights to keep gay people out of mainstream society.  Oooh, they're dirty, aren't they, Larry.  Bad, bad boys who need a firm hand.

Still think he's not gay?  Look how he approaches that microphone. 

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In other high school reunion news, this guy will be there. I never hung out with him, although I'm vaguely aware of who he is. Clearly, a government plot has kept us separated. He is SO my twin brother.