I have a public service announcement to make which will hopefully save lives. Sadly, I learned through experience what the rest of you can avoid by reading my story.

If this man:



approaches you with a bottle of liquor with a homemade label slapped on it, do not accept a drink from it. Don't be a statistic.

You may wonder why I, an exceedingly intelligent and clever young lady, would have fallen victim to his cruel ploy. Read on. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

You see, I've met Mr. Importantness on several occasions prior to his attempt to kill and/or maim me with his vile concoction, which by my best guess contained a mixture of vintage 1970's Sweet Honesty perfume, gasoline and cat urine, and each time, he engaged in what crime experts call "grooming."

With his gentle humor and gentlemanly manners, he tricked me into believing he was a decent human being, kind and considerate, and generally concerned with the well-being of others.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Foisting his poison on the unsuspecting with a gleefully murderous gleam in his eye, Mr. Importantness is as evil as they come.

I am lucky to have escaped with my eyesight, my uvula, and my sanity intact. Not to mention my virtue! I had to take a shot of Honey Jagermeister just to cleanse my palate!

So take my advice: if you ever see Mr. Importantness lurking around a social event with a mystery bottle, run the other direction. Do not be fooled by his southern charm and rugged good looks. He does not have your best interests at heart.