For instance, Claussen pickles (which I happen to love) featured an ad I would expect to see as a spam in my email inbox:
Notice the way the thermometer below seems to "measure" the pickles. Notice the firm, rigid Claussen pickle "proudly standing" while the flaccid, limp shelf-safe competitor sags sadly. Looks like someone's pickle could stand to "gain inches" and use some vi4gra. But, since I use them regularly and they're giving me 55¢ off on any ONE jar of pickles, I will ignore their sexually suggestive ad.
Meanwhile, French's lives up to its name with a saucy mustard menåge a trois:
Hot dogs may love French's mustard, but apparently they still need to spice things up between the buns once in a while. Isn't one mustard enough for a sausage these days? But they're offering me a free bottle of classic yellow mustard with a purchase of honey mustard, so I will set aside my offended sense of morality. I sell out rather cheaply, it seems.
But while I can turn a blind eye to the sexual proclivities or inadequacies of my sandwich fixin's, I cannot countenance the continued assault on the good name of pierogies.
I've dealt with my righteous indignation toward this woman in the past, but apparently she's JUST NOT LISTENING.
This week, her advertisement urges people to grill pierogies. (I'm just glad my buschia didn't live to see this.) As if this abomination were not enough, her website not only continues the sacrilege, but takes it to levels that make me cringe for the future of humanity, were anyone to take up any of her blasphemous suggestions.
"Jamaican Spiced Pierogies with Island Dipping Sauce"?!? "Pierogies CON QUESO"?!? "Pierogi Pot Stickers with Orange Soy Dipping Sauce"?!? Is there no end to her cultural devastation? And her coupon requires you to buy two boxes of her frozen villainy. I HATE when coupons require you to "buy two."
I declare a housewife fatwa on Mrs. T. No, don't try to talk me out of it; my mind's made up. She must be stopped.
Look upon the face of evil, people:
