Sometimes it seems like the whole world is being run by some sort of cosmic homeowner's association, deciding how everyone should look and feel and think and act.

You can't be an atheist. But you can't be too religious, either; you know, thinking too much about what it all really means. And if you do, you should be shipped off to a convent or a monastery somewhere, so you don't get in the way of... normal people.

If you insist on being gay or ethnic, you should be flamboyantly and entertainingly so, so normal people can guess what you are. And you should only hang out with others of your kind, doing your things -- the sort of things we expect you to do, according to our preconceived notions of you. And try to live in themed ghettos -- like Chinatown, or Italian Village, or Boy's town. That way, when we feel like getting some "culture," we can visit and feel good about ourselves. It's like a zoo, only with people inside! Prepare to hear us say words like "amazing," "super," and "neat."

That's supposing you should exist at all, and we aren't entirely sure about that yet.

You shouldn't dress too sexy. Or, too modestly. Or, androgynously. If you're having trouble figuring that all out, buy an age-appropriate magazine. It will tell you what to wear. And what haircut to get.

It goes without saying that you shouldn't be ugly, but don't be too pretty, either. That makes us feel threatened. Tone it down a bit.

And personality-wise? You should be able to make pleasant small talk, but don't be too clever, too funny, to creative or too loud. Like the pretty people, talented and/or funny people make us feel threatened. You should tone it down a bit, too.

Who do you think you are, being better looking or more informed or more entertaining than us?

Of course, you could choose to go against the collective, but you must pay the fine. It may be ostracization, an inability to find a mate, or ridicule. We'll decide when that time comes.

Don't be so stupid that you don' know how to read, but don't be so smart that you're reading too much. How much is "too much?" We'll let you know.

The important thing is not to make normal people uncomfortable with your existence. If you make us question our daily routine, or how we've always thought the world should be, or if we're doing the right thing after all, it makes us very cranky.

Don't question our status symbols; it's our only way of keeping score. And how will we know how much better or worse we are than others without the score? We won't know what social circle we fit into. And if we don't know what herd we belong to, we're lost.

And if you need a movie to demonstrate these principles to you, there is none better than Hot Fuzz. Now there's a group of people who understand how the world should work:



Any questions? Please, don't ask. It makes us uncomfortable. Like purple shutters or an unkempt lawn.