My Dear Humans:

It has come to my attention that now that warm weather has returned, my beloved human-puppies are in a state of near-constant danger. They leave the den on a regular basis, and not just to enter the Brown Box with the half-eaten sandwiches strewn about the outside.

I try my best to remain vigilant at all times, but they often stray out of my line of vision. I do not like this at all, but I accept it, grudgingly. What I cannot accept, and what I am here to discuss with you today, is the re-emergence of a devastating menace that causes the entire neighborhood to erupt in a frenzied, chaotic state. I can but watch, helplessly, as the human-puppies are dragged toward it, its irresistible pull causing what I can only assume to be unbearable pain in the human-puppies based on the shrill screams I hear emanating from them as this creature, this monster, rolls down the street.

I speak, of course, of the I Scream Truck.

Am I the only one who sees this noisy, smelly intruder for what it is? Why do you humans sit idly by while your precious, beloved puppies get sucked into its vortex of terror? Do you not see its enormous, threatening bulk? Do you not hear its ear-splitting, irritating screeches? Do you not realize it is trying to take your children?

So far, the human-puppies have been able to ward off the threat. Just as it appears they will be sucked into the thing's gaping maw, they throw some sort of paper or metal into its mouth, causing it to vomit forth frozen objects at them and leave them, relatively unscathed, on the sidewalk. But what will happen if the human-puppies are caught unawares someday, without their paper or metal deterrents? I hear them pleading with you to give them the tools necessary to repel the beast; I have no idea why you even hesitate to provide them with these simple defense items. If they should be found lacking, I will be unable to protect and defend them, thanks to the neck harness and tether you insist upon me wearing.

Let it be on your heads, humans. I have warned you. You rob me of my freedom, which I would've used only to protect and defend the human-puppies. You ignore the peril at your own risk, and the risk of your offspring.

I wash my paws of it.

But I will still vigilantly and valiantly bark my doggie heart out every time I see that loathsome beast. You can count on it.

Forever Yours,
Ms. Moxie M. Pupppypants, esq.