Well, not him exactly, but someone who looks like him. It never occurred to me that when deciding how to utilize public land, my park district board would say to themselves, "Let's ask the guy in the polyester shorts!" Yet, sadly, that's what seems to have happened.

Spanky McSportshorts wants to rip out our lovely gardens, walking paths and 50 to 60 trees to add a new soccer/football field, complete with synthetic grass-like surface and towering lights. It hasn't been approved; they're looking for input from residents. I am ready to give them input like you wouldn't believe.

They already have athletic fields here. There are other parks in more commercial areas where the addition of more lights and parking will not disrupt the natural beauty. Why are they proposing this monstrosity here? Maybe Spanky doesn't understand aesthetics. I will teach him!

Thus, I will write letters and attend meetings to fiercely defend my beautiful nature areas. I'm going Ubermilf on their asses! They better hope they're wearing their little protective cups when I get ahold of them. Only in America will you find morons ripping up grass to install fake grass. Unbelievable!