My lovely husband Dilf took me to Meson Sabika, a tapas restaurant in Naperville, for my birthday last night.

I love tapas. We held our wedding reception at a Spanish restaurant and served tapas. I love Spanish wine. I love Spanish music. I love flamenco dancing.

Everything about this place was wonderful; beautiful scenery, excellent food, and I was served a flight of four Spanish wines, two white and two red. They had a flamenco guitarist who was joined later by a flamenco dancer in the bar area. I loved it, and we will return.

Only one thing marred the perfection of the evening -- people from Naperville insisted on being in the same place as me.

Now, I've spoken before of my distaste for Naperville; some people may call it "Naperville envy." To those people I say, "I know someone who will hit you in the face with a shovel." Let me describe the denizens of Naperville, and you decide how you feel about them.

They are the stereotypical SUV-driving, soccer-game attending, McMansion-owning, sweater set- or golf shirt-wearing, overpaid for ass-kissing-suck-uppery, George Bush-supporting suburbanites that give the rest of us a bad name.

How did they irritate me last night? Let me tell you. Two of them were seated at a table set for four, so like cockroaches, I knew there'd be more. The second couple arrived later and proceded to annoy me with their loud fake attempts at cleverness (Look who we found! Fancy meeting you here! Ha ha ha! Kiss, kiss. You look great!)

Then they talked loudly about their kids' soccer game. Of course, they are way too invested in the soccer game's outcome; you can tell they are living vicariously through these poor kids' achievements, or lack thereof. This inane and useless banter went on throughout the music, throughout the dancing, and throughout their dinner. I ask you, how could this soccer game POSSIBLY be more interesting than a dancer stomping rhythmically and clacking castanets?

Well, it wasn't. And I was still able to enjoy the guitarist and his lovely partner. But those people irked me because they represent evil self-centeredness and I want them destroyed.