B.A. and the Queen of the Harpies are getting married this weekend. Mazel Tov.

20. A bachelor/bachelorette party thrown by a Talaxian several weeks before the wedding.

19. Guests from a minimum of four planets other than Terra, preferably from more than one quadrant.

18. A red-alert scattering field (which also disrupts cell phones and beepers).

17. DNA, chroniton, and quantum-level scans to make sure your intended is exactly who s/he/it claims to be, from the right universe and the right timestream.

16. Fully-paid life insurance premiums, especially if someone in the wedding wears a red shirt to work.

15. Personalized vows which include the lines, "Will you assimilate this life form, in carbon, silicon, or photon; in space and planetside; in gravity and in zero-gee; for starship, freighter, or shuttlecraft; for promotion or demotion; in reruns and in syndication; until low ratings do you part?"

14. A Klingon attendant whose sole function is to march over to anyone who pipes up during the "if anyone objects to this union" part of the ceremony, rip out his/her/its tongue, and wear it as a belt.

13. A money-back guarantee if your intended is an ensign and dies within thirty days of the wedding. Not applicable to the future spouse(s) of Harry Kim, since he's recyclable.

12. A Trill at the reception. (Guaranteed to liven up the party.)

11. A Borg bouncer.

10. Romulan ale, kanar, bloodwine, and Saurian brandy; but a Ferengi bartender. (Open bars are expensive.)

9. Designated shuttlecraft pilots, to make sure everyone gets home from the party.

8. Subcutaneous alcohol inhibitor for certain in-laws.

7. A best-man speech written by a Vulcan (to avoid the stupid "May all your ups and downs be between the sheets" kinds of jokes).

6. A court order forbidding the use of leola root in any consumable substance.

5. Lead-free Lobi crystal flutes for the champagne toast.

4. Guidance and tracking system for the bouquet and garter tosses.

3. A DJ who will play "The Time Warp," but not "The Chicken Dance."

2. A changing room for the newlyweds to shuck the dress uniforms and slip on the cozy and stylish neutrally-colored unitards everyone seems to prefer for off-duty wear.

1. Four pips on the officiant.