I have been rightly accused of lashing out at David Soul without fully considering the scope of his career and his current activities.

I checked up on Mr. Soul, and here’s what I found out*.

Apparently, after the collapse of his performing career, Mr. Soul has kept busy. He gets work where he can, and his accomplishments are dazzling in their diversity.

Most recently, for instance, David took a seasonal job at a grocery store stocking Thanksgiving turkeys. Unfortunately, the position led to a tragic turn of events.

It seems a group of snot-nosed youths unaware of David’s talents and fame insulted him and caused a ruckus.

David was loading some fresh turkeys into a display bin (the frozen ones would’ve aggravated his bad back, you know) when the song “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby” started playing through the store’s Musak system.

One of the ignorant kids (what do they teach in school these days?) asked, “Is that the song Owen Wilson sang in that one dumb movie? God, that was hilarious. That dude rocks!”

This made David angry; but he got it under control. Those “Emotions Anonymous” meetings really paid off!

But then, one of the other disgracefully uneducated teens (really, I blame the parents) said, “Wait, didn’t some old dude sing that, like back in the 60’s or something?”

That was too much for David to bear. He stood up, and in a violent rage, pulled off the turkey wrapper, and shoved the turkey, cavity-side down, onto the shocked youth’s head!

He then began to pummel the kid’s turkey carcass-encased head, roaring, “It was a number one hit, damn you! Number one! How many number one hits have you recorded, you Goddamned punk!”

Quickly, the local police showed up before David could hurt himself further. As they dragged him away, he shouted, “You can’t do this to me! I’m Hutch! I’m a celebrity!”

It was sad to see David treated so shabbily. Is this how this country behaves toward its heroes? I am sickened by this disregard of our nation’s treasures.

Luckily, the boy refused to press charges, because he “felt sorry for the old guy.”

Whew. David does not need another violent offense on his record. He was ordered to take anger management classes. Again.

I will continue to keep tabs on this wonderfully talented individual. I am so glad I became enlightened rather than live in the Soulless darkness.

*Not so much found out, as completely made up. Sorry for any confusion.