Dear Polkaholics:

My husband and I would like to have a 7 Year Itch Anniversary Party, and we want you to be our band. I beg of you, please perform for us. We will pay you. I bought a lottery ticket on Friday in hopes that I could say, "Money is no object! I must have the Polkaholics at my party!" but that didn't pan out. So, we'll discuss the payment part in private.

The reasons why you are the only band who can possibly meet my needs are too numerous to mention, but I will highlight the most important ones:

1. My party concept. I am envisioning a VFW hall, with retro drinks like pink ladies, grasshoppers, side cars, Tom Collinses, Rob Roys and such. Also, hearty ethnic food served (likely) on disposable plates. Decor will features lots of fringe and paper decorations. I will out-Zakopane the Zakopane Lounge!

2. My dearly deceased grandmother. My first marriage ended badly. My grandma told me, "Next time (you get married) have a polka band." Sadly, Bushia (that's grandma in Polish!) passed away before my second wedding. I had a Spanish guitarist and a jazz band at the reception, and I've felt guilty ever since. Please help me fulfill my grandma's wishes.

3. The pants-wetting. I personally guarantee that my sister will wet her pants when you play the "Fanny Shake Polka." I'm not kidding.

4. I will invite some mutual friends, like, say, Miss Lis, Miss Bridget, Mr. Chris and perhaps some others you may know and love.

Please say yes. My anniversary is April 24, so it will be sometime in the spring. Say yes. I will feed you, too. And provide you with ample liquor. And give you my sister's pants. Say yes. Please say yes.