Last week, I also helped Mrs. Kathy with new baby John. Are we calling him JJ? Dy-No-Mite! While there, I learned that aging punk rockers and aged hippies don't interact well. Let's just say I think I harshed Mrs. K's mother-in-law's mellow.

My primary mission, however, was undoing the damage done to my dear friend in the maternity ward. What damage, you ask? Countless experts marching in and out of the new mother's room with dire warnings issued at a time when she's at her most vulnerable. Breastfeed, or your baby will not survive and will never understand advanced algebra! Wait, your milk's not coming in fast enough -- give him formula or he will shrivel and die! Don't get his umbilical stump wet, or his skin will rot away! There is only ONE CORRECT WAY to bathe him -- feed him -- play with him, and that is OUR WAY! If you don't listen to us with our scientifically-proven baby care advice, your child will die -- or be a serial killer -- or never learn to read!

Worst of all is the "lactation counselor." How our cave-dwelling ancestors managed to feed and care for their children without these Nipple Nazis harassing them is beyond me. Switch sides! Switch positions! Chart your nursing sessions! Do it MY WAY or your child will be puny and your mastitis will be huge and painful!

Now, all of this is terrifying to the first-time parent. It is also totally unnecessary. Here are my baby care tips, in no particular order:

• Do not drop the baby on the floor.

• Do not poke the baby with sharp items, nor allow him/her to poke him/herself with sharp items.

• Your baby will survive being fed formula, whether it is occasionally or all the time. Professionals greatly exaggerate the risk of "nipple confusion." Your baby will NOT survive being fed poison. Do not feed your baby poison.

• Try to limit your baby's contact with fecal matter. Be advised, however, that at some point your baby will reach into his/her diaper and will play with and/or eat his/her own feces.

• Whiskey is not good for babies. It can, however, be very helpful to parents.

• Don't sit on your baby.

• Contrary to what Peter Pan may have taught you, do not use your dog as a babysitter. At least when the child is under age 3. No, never. Dogs are too easily bribed.

• Don't shake your baby. That one's true.

A baby will survive crying for 10 minutes if he/she wakes up while you're in the shower. A baby will survive if it takes you a few minutes to warm a bottle. You will quickly learn what your baby's cries mean -- hunger, discomfort, tired, etc. Don't expect to know the first week. It takes time. When reading baby books, mentally insert the phrase "This might or might not work:" in front of all advice you glean from books. Every child is different; the suggestions are worth a try, but don't beat yourself up if they don't work. You'll be fine, even if you make a mistake.

That concludes Übie's baby care advice segment.