I am trying to find a Food Network recipe I saw both Alton Brown and Tyler Florence making. I can kinda piece it together from what I remember seeing, how I know to make a roux, and cooking knowledge I already have, but I may have a few martinis in me by the time I'm making the gravy tomorrow, so I'd prefer to have written instructions I can read through bleary eyes.

But do I find what I'm looking for? No. Let me address the recipe posters out there directly:

Dear Asshole Jerkoff Cocksuckers,

I do not want thousands of "do-ahead" recipes involving turkey wings and that bag of gross innards that require removing the liver so the stock doesn't become "cloudy." I did not take high school anatomy, I never dissected a turkey, and I don't want to sort through its guts now to boil a bunch of garbage parts on my stovetop.

What I want to do is roast my turkey, remove it from the pan, strain the juices, and make gravy from the pan drippings. It's fairly simple. I wanted to use the technique I saw Alton Brown and Tyler Florence using, where they make a roux out of the greasy bits on the bottom of the pan with a little added fat (how much? I don't fucking know, thanks to you assholes. I'll eyeball it. I know how to make a roux. No thanks to you!) and some flour.

Is that too much to fucking ask? A recipe to guide me as to how much flour, how much stock and white wine, how much added pan drippings?

I guess it is, since I can't find it. All I found is your stupid waste of time make ahead recipes I don't want to use. Thanks for nothing. I might as well look up what that cheap whore Sandra Lee has to say about how to make fake gravy from a packet of powder, just so she has more time to guzzle down some color-coordinated cocktails and give her male guests blow jobs in the coat closet before the salad course. I'm onto you, Sandra Lee! That pre-fab gravy isn't going to rinse the taste of sperm, shame and regret out of the back of your throat!

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.