How to Avoid DUI Conviction

This won't help you avoid arrest, mind you. If you are a dangerous serial drunk driver who routinely puts yourself and others at risk by driving under the influence of intoxicants, police will still notice you swerving, running red lights, or passing out in the middle of the road with your car still running.

But here's a list of items to make sure you don't actually receive any sort of punishment, courtesy of former Chicago Bear Bob Avellini:

  • Be famous -- like a current or former athlete
  • Be white -- everyone knows white people don't commit crimes. Well, that's the prejudice Drew Peterson was banking on...
  • Be rich enough to hire a lawyer who knows how to work the system
  • Refuse to take any tests. How this translates to "cooperating fully with the police" is up to your lawyer to explain

But if this bozo -- whose drunk-ass has been arrested in my very own town -- careens into my car, crashes into the side of my garage, or takes anyone's life because he now thinks he has carte blanche to get into a potentially deadly vehicle while not under full control of his own faculties, I will not care how famous or rich or white he is.

I know there are important civil liberty considerations at stake. But where are this man's friends, family or even lawyer? Why is no one making sure this menace stays off the streets? Does someone have to die before this guy is finally stopped?

Note: I changed the picture. I was afraid that someone would confuse the man in the photo I had up before for Bob Avellini, when in fact that man was the victim OF a drunk driver.
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area

If being easily irritated, impatient and rebellious is sexy, then call me MILF -- Übermilf.

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