Whenever you hear people mutter "There ought to be a test before they let you be a parent" or some similar sentiment, it's usually in response to some news story about an abused or neglected kid -- typically at the hands of some poor, ignorant rube.

Well, listen up over-indulged, "self-actualized," cashmere sweater-wearing, Interlock driveway-having, Frontgate catalog-shopping, pampered, self-absorbed pea brains -- I don't think you should have kids either.

I have been thinking about this since my sister gave me a copy of More magazine as a joke for my 40th birthday. In that, the September issue, was a story titled "The Mommy Mavericks: Are they trailblazers? Rule breakers? Stamina queens? Maybe a little bit crazy? Six women's stories of having a baby (or three) over 50."

It contained the single most hilarious statement I have ever read, anywhere, regarding parenthood, from one Miss Aleta St. James, aged 61:

Eye-opener "I never thought I'd be bossed around by toddlers. I figured if you gave them a beautiful environment, they wouldn't have tantrums. Surprise, surprise!"

I will give my fellow parents reading this a moment to recover.

Now, I don't want to sound judgmental here but I can't help myself (nor will it be the first time.) Nobody is "owed" a child because they "want" one. You can plan for one, hope for one, and try to have one. You can adopt one. But if you do those things, it should be because of what you want to GIVE to a child, not what YOU want to experience. Most (not all) of the people in the aforementioned article became a mother because of what THEY wanted for THEMSELVES. If that's why you're becoming a parent, please don't. (I realize nothing I say will have an impact on someone like that, but, hey, it was worth a shot.)

Now, another group of people that might not necessarily need to be barred from reproducing, but who should get some sort of training first, is a relative to the previous example: people who have had too much therapy and want to encourage and nurture their children the way they wished they had been encouraged an nurtured.

Now, of COURSE I am not advocating against encouraging and nurturing; what I have a problem with is when parents PROJECT their needs onto their children, and instead of providing the child with what he or she needs, or even UNDERSTANDING WHAT the child needs, coach them as if they were adults.

For example (and teachers, listen up, because this might explain some behavior problems in the classroom), I was dropping ÜberYounger off at her classroom last Friday morning, and I overheard another mother say to her first-grade son as she dropped him off, "You are AWESOME! You can DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO!" then kissed him on the forehead and sent him off into the classroom, where some poor, bewildered teacher was left to deal with a kid who refuses to follow any of the rules or participate in classroom activities, because he doesn't WANT to.

When you have children, you need to re-learn the childhood brain. You simply cannot tell a 6-year-old he can "do whatever he wants," which in your mind means he can become an astronaut or president of the United States, but in his mind means "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT," because 6-year-olds take you literally.

If you cannot or will not throw off the adult mind-set to fully understand your children, you should not have them.

So, in conclusion, there are prosperous, well-educated people who shouldn't have children, either. Not that my opinion matters much outside of this blog.