(Sometimes I even grab the wrong thing by accident in the fevered rush to feed my addiction, which explains the copy of Cooking with Paula Deen that somehow wound up at my house, which is primarily used to freak out my husband. "She's looking at you," I say to Dilf, waving the offending periodical at him. "Her eyes follow you WHEREVER YOU GO.")
But back to my Body + Soul magazine, which contains an article on being an introvert. I have read muchos factos about the whole introvert/extrovert brain construct. Like a lot of things involving humans, there isn't a black or white introvert/extrovert dividing line, but it's a spectrum. We all have degrees of inward/outward focus, sometimes it's even situational. It's interesting if you like studying psychology and human behavior, which I do.
One paragraph from the article summed me up pretty well:
"...introvert types go through much of their lives feeling like something's wrong with them. As a result, many learn to adapt -- some so well they may even begin to believe they're extroverts."
Things are easier when you're an extrovert. Most people are extroverts, so that's how we're "expected" to be. The world rewards extroverts. Introverts want to be loved, accepted and to succeed, so they often force themselves to change. Freud is also to blame, because he was an extrovert while Jung and Adler were introverts, and because Freud was a dickhead he portrayed introverts as "having something wrong with them." Once again, the extrovert came out on top.
The problem is, you get older and (one hopes) wiser, and realize it's bullshit. Like when you join the workforce and realize that hard work and brilliant ideas are often nothing in the face of cronyism and nepotism, and you get a little more jaded with each passing year. That's why introverts like Emily Dickinson wind up sitting in an attic writing brilliant, tortured poetry. (side note: while researching for this post, I came across this that makes me feel all stabby-stabby. That can't be the work of the Holy Spirit, can it?)
I think I've always struggled with this, but I didn't become conscious of it until my own children started school, and I saw them dealing with it. That paragraph I quoted above? It started out "The challenge essentially begins when she is launched into the educational system, which favors students who speak up and find stimulation in groups. The scenario continues to play out from there..."
Until you find yourself grappling with your issues at age 40, I guess. While I once asked myself, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal?", I am now yelling like Al Pacino in "And Justice for All", "I'm not out of order! You're out of order!"
I really must make my peace with the world, so I stop feeling like this.
Maybe I should buy this book today.
