Oh, yes, it looks pleasant from the outside, doesn't it? Inviting, even. What an ideal family restaurant! That's what they want you to believe. Its innocent exterior belies the horror within. Listen to my tale, lest you meet a similar fate...

Okay, it wasn't that bad. But the service was intolerable. The food took forever. They didn't give us silverware. They didn't refill our drinks. They gave my two-year-old a plate so hot that, had she touched it, I'm sure her flesh would have melded to it. The food was merely passable, and that was just what happened to us.

I could see the following things happen: the cash register malfunctioned, causing a huge line of frustrated customers; wrong dinners were sent out and sent back; several people were not waited on at all; the people behind us had no drinking straws.

But my favorite part of the evening was watching the pies. A huge revolving oven with many shelves bakes the pies. The ubergirls and I watched as the pies went 'round and 'round. Suddenly, we noticed a change. The pies began to explode. The manager ran up and shouted "Raoul!" or some such name. A small, rat-like man emerged from the back. "I thought you told me you took the pies out!"

He shrugged insolently at her.

"They're..." she said, with a horrified glance into the ovens, "Exploding!" Rat man went back to the kitchen, leaving the manager to remove the pies with a large metal pie-removing device.

Now, prior to this, the Ubergirls and I had been discussing the possiblity that pie-making Oompah Loompahs worked in the back. I had composed a lovely song, to the original Oompah Loompah tune from "Willy Wonka," for Uberdilf's benefit:
What to you get eating at Bakers Square?
You get quite annoyed and you pull out your hair!

With Raoul's appearance from the back, our fantasy was shattered.

I was going to buy Nick a Bakers Square gift card for his birthday, but after that experience I couldn't bring myself to put anyone else through the misery we endured. Even Nick.

I will discuss the scary Children's Menu characters another day. One is dressed like a pimp, and called "Pie Spy." One is charmingly named "Crusty." All in all, they are an odd bunch.