John Bolton: Further Disgracing the Name "Bolton"
People surnamed "Bolton" reacted with outrage on Monday when they learned that President Bush used a recess appointment to install John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations. The Boltons are protesting the recent appointment on the grounds that it unfairly ties their family name to another unpleasant public figure.

"I speak for all of my fellow 'Boltons' when I say it is patently unfair to ask us to shoulder this burden," said Frank Bolton of Racine, Wisconsin. "The public has barely managed to erase the unpleasant shrieks of "When a Man Loves a Woman" [as performed by Michael Bolton] and now this!"

"I know other people, like with the last name 'Jackson,' have problems, too," added Shirley Bolton of Norfolk, Virginia. "But at least they have some good ones, too. Like Reggie Jackson!"

The Boltons cite damaging John Bolton characteristics, such as "violently abusive," "truth distortionist," and "really bad mustache."

They point to such evidence as subordinates referring to Bolton as a "quintessential kiss-up, kick-down sort of guy," and charges from intelligence officials that he pressured them to distort espionage reports to suit his views and then tried to retaliate against them when they would not comply.

"I realize this is precisely the kind of man the Bush Administration fawns over," said George Bolton of Evansville, Indiana. "But couldn't they find someone with similar characteristics but a different last name? Come on!"

"They wouldn't expect the Dahmers to take a double whammy like this," Frank Bolton chimed in, "And they shouldn't ask it of us."
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