I am still getting over some lingering issues from The Evil One (my ex-husband, to the uninitiated). My psychiatrist explains it thusly: since the abuse started in my late teens, when synapses start to fully mature, he really fucked up my brain chemistry. Well, he didn't use those exact words, but you get the idea.

So, I'm realizing a few things. I used to be a really free spirit in high school -- dressing very avante garde, enjoying foreign films, music from the import bin, that sort of thing. But I did these things on impulse, following some inner inklings. I wasn't choosing a particular look or persona or anything. And even though I see my hipness and brilliance in retrospect, at the time I didn't know I was cool. I thought I was an oddball.

When I started dating TEO, he used this as a hammer to beat me with. I gave up everything that made me interesting, different and fun to be around because I allowed him to make me feel embarrassed by these things instead of proud of them.

Then, I went to an art college where I started to revert back to myself. But then this happened. I don't know, I guess I've second-guessed myself ever since. Now, whenever my free spirit impulses butt up against the status quo, I get very anxious. Now I get pills for that, too. Hooray. MOTHERFUCKER TEO.

But I'm getting better about choosing my free spirit. For instance, I've decided to get a variety of scarves while I grow out my hair. I'll throw one of those babies on when I want to get out of the house but my hair is a mess. Ubie loves her freedom.