In my pre-Übie days, I saw a man in Union Station with MS or some other disease which impaired his ability to walk, and caused him to rely on crutches. He was fairly young, and obviously new to the whole loss of mobility. His crutch slipped, and he had to pull himself up. He lashed out at no one or nothing in particular, clearly frustrated by his uncooperative physiology. I felt empathy pangs for him; I know this sounds sexist, but particularly because he was a man -- a young man. It had to be very difficult for him to adapt to this new, vulnerable identity in a world that expects its men to be strong.

I'm finding myself in a similar boat, only it's my brain that's not functioning properly. I have experienced depression before; I know what it feels like. Why won't it just go away and leave me alone? I want to function normally, dammit.

I'm not sad, but I'm emotionally flat. I'm tired. I can't concentrate. I'm spacing out. I fight to keep my temper under control because for now, my rational brain is still in control. I have no interest in taking care of myself, although I am keeping the ÜberGirls in the style to which they have become accostomed.

I took a shower and shaved my legs and put on a cute dress because I know Dilf is coming home and that it would make him happy. If he wasn't coming home, I'd be a scuzzy mess. As it is, I desperately need a haircut; but as long as I can pull it back in a headband and look decent, I don't have the motivation to do it. I have no idea how I want to look. Whatever. I have chipped nail polish, too. I lack the will to take the old stuff off, let alone apply new stuff.

I'm just in a holding pattern. I'm not happy or sad; I'm resigned. I'm not saying this for sympathy, because I'm not suffering. I just know I'm not the exuberant, playful, imaginative Übie that I should be if I was functioning properly.

These are my symptoms, courtesy of a depression checklist:

"When asked what symptoms you have experienced on a regular basis over at least the past 2 weeks, you selected:

- Lack of motivation
- Irritability
- Trouble concentrating
- Feelings of isolation, not as involved with
family and friends
- Loss of interest in favorite activities
- Hopelessness
- Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
- Fatigue
- Low energy
- Trouble sleeping

Your response also indicated that your symptoms are affecting your ability to be yourself and to function on a daily basis."

I just want myself back. I'm not under any undue stressful circumstances. I'm not in a bad or harmful situation. I want my brain to work again.