I wanted to sit down and work my Sudoku puzzle this Saturday, but the phone kept ringing. When it finally stopped, I settled into my comfy chair, my feet ensconced in fleecy slippers, and a toasty blanket thrown across my lap where a warm purring feline lay curled in a ball. I lifted my freshly-sharpened pencil into the air, and as it began its final approach toward the inky black squares on the crinkly newsprint...

blasted phone rang again. As my dear readers know, I am unaccustomed as I am to using profanity; but, even I have my limits and I began to curse under my breath. I was prepared to attack the hapless caller when I happened to glance at the caller I.D.

It was this lady.

So, like my mother before me, I went from snarling she-demon to sugar as soon as I picked up the receiver: "Hello?" I chirped, with syrup dripping into the phone. "Oh, HI, L.”

Then she said something that so galled me that I nearly lost my Mrs. Butterworth demeanor. She had the audacity to purr, "I don't know if you've worked either of the other school parties this year..."

Listen, bitch. Take a look at the room mom list again. Whose name appears first? That's right, mine. Whose appears second? That's right, C. While your bony ass was sitting at home eating low-carb Lean Cuisines and drinking Diet Coke, C and I planned and coordinated and attended the parties, chaperoned field trips and made sure all the other PTA events were staffed and attended. What I would expect to hear out of your mouth would be:

"Thank you for covering for me while I did absolutely fucking nothing. And now I am ready to tackle the Valentine's party, because the deal was I would handle that ALL BY MYSELF to make up for the fact that I, as I mentioned earlier, DID ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING up to this point. So, I'm just calling to tell you, 'I've got this one covered. You can relax!'"

But that's not what I heard, was it? I heard your officious little voice dictating what I should do, asking me to come up with ideas, and just pissing me off in general. And you don't even have to plan the food, because the school provides ice cream for the Valentine's parties each year. So my question for you, you skanky do-nothing Ann Coulter body double, is "What the fuck??? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?”

Of course, that's not what I said. I cheerily gave her a craft idea and told her to keep in touch if she needed anything. She then pissed me off again by saying she would "Give some of the other mothers a chance to work a party," as if I was some sort of glory hog, instead of the default when no one else wanted to do anything.

Now, while she is supremely irritating, I am most angry with myself for not calling her on her bullshit. Perhaps next time, I shall challenge her to a fight.