Both Double Post and I were blessed by the gadonkadonk fairy when we were born. Or, as Auntie Julie used to say, "We got da big buckets." As a result, men from cultures whose women tend to sport such impressive protruberances often look our way.

One of those cultures happens to be African American. Now, I dated a young man of African American heritage in high school; my beau was an honors student active in the debate club and the a capella choir.

I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that Double Post attracted an entirely different sort of suitor. The name he gave her was "Player." I am not making that up. "Player."

Yes, Double Post's admirer didn't so much woo her as menace her with his gangsta charm. "What's your phone number?" he demanded of her one day. "And don't give me a fake one. Because I'll find out your real one. And I won't be happy."

He also confronted our eldest sister in the hallway (Double Post and Eldest Sister are but a year apart; they attended the same high school), saying, "Give this note to your sista."

My eldest sister, ever the diplomat, snarled, "Why should I?"

He answered with a smile, "Ever see 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner'?"

Anyway, a frightened Double Post gave Player our phone number and cringed whenever the phone rang. However, Player didn't call until Saturday afternoon, when our then-12-year-old-brother answered the phone. This was pre-Cuntzilla brother who hadn't yet turned to the dark side.

My brother: "Hello?"

Player: "Is your sista there?"

My brother: "Which one?"

Player: "Double Post."

My brother looked at Double Post, who anxiously mouthed, "Who is it?"

My brother: "Who's calling, please?"

Player: "Player. P-L-A-Y-E-R."

My brother: "She doesn't want to talk to you."

Player, ominously: "Oh, yeah? And who's this?"

My brother: "Nevermind. N-E-V-E-R-M-I-N-D." [hangs up phone.]

We all nervously awaited Player's retribution for my brother's insolence, but it never came. Unless he's biding his time...

Maybe he's the pimp who sent the ho Cuntzilla into his life. If so, Player is one patient and sadistic son of a bitch.