I Just Want to Start Over. Hey, Look! It's the Almighty Cleanse!

Thankfully, the Almighty Cleanse has nothing to do with religion. Well, maybe a little.

I always just want to start over. It's part of my perfectionist strain of anxiety. One false move and ...

I've suffered from anxiety since I was tiny. My coloring books were filled with semi-colored pages. The moment I "ruined" a picture by going outside of the lines, and I had to start a fresh, perfect one. But it wasn't just coloring book pages I agonized over. The greater the stakes, the greater my anxiety that I'd "screw it up."

I remember Christmas when I was eight. I was in third grade. Double Post had bought our grandma a pair of earrings for Christmas, and when we arrived at our aunt's house, told me to put them in her pile of gifts. I thought I did. Then, when grandma started opening gifts, she took them from a different pile. I strained to see where the little jewelry box had gone; I was terrified. I didn't enjoy opening my own presents, I was so worried about the earrings.

I couldn't sleep for days. I was awake in my bed at night, trying to read to distract me from thinking about the gift mishap. I was reading my Richard Scarry book. At the end was a month by month story about the seasons, and what happens. It ended, of course, with December and Christmas. I burst into tears.

Double Post came home from whatever bad date she'd been on that night to find me still awake and crying in my bed after midnight. She came in to ask me what was wrong, and I finally unburdened myself. I was worried about grandma's earrings. I was so very, very sorry I had let both her and grandma down.

Double Post found it difficult to stifle her laugh. Grandma had gotten the earrings, no problem. I had been wracked with guilt and worry over nothing. I slept like an angel that night. Wait, do angels sleep?

Try as I might, this destructive behavior pattern sometimes rears it's ugly head. Sometimes my efforts to erase or fix things wind up messing things up even more thoroughly than they were to begin with. I can't turn a page and hide my work. But I wonder what the Almighty Cleanse can do?
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area

If being easily irritated, impatient and rebellious is sexy, then call me MILF -- Übermilf.

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