I likely have ADD. I've discussed that before and that's not why I'm pissed off. Today, I am half pissed off at an article in Woman's Day (or Family Circle or Good Housekeeping or one of those) that I read in the early-mid 1990's. Also, I am half pissed off at myself for taking in to heart. (Does that seem irrational to you? Thinking about an article written more than 15 years ago and getting pissed off about it? What's your point? Shut up.)

Anyways.

I'm thinking about this today because I have a zillion things to do. (So why am I blogging, then? Didn't I just tell you to shut up?) So, I started on my zillion things to do, and like so many things to do, there are steps involved. For instance, sort the laundry into baskets, take it downstairs to the laundry room, put it in the washer, etc. And in the kitchen, I have many things to do. In between taking one load downstairs and putting it in the washer and getting the other load to bring downstairs, I decide to take the recycle down into the garage because I spotted it as I was headed back into the bedroom.

As I empty the recyclables into their bin in the garage, I feel a pang of self-chastisement because I started a new task before I finished the old one. I feel bad about myself. Why? Because of that stupid article in that stupid magazine.

ADD and ADHD were new back then, and they were describing the "symptoms" of this "disorder." And how horrifyingly disorganized the thought processes of such individuals are -- for example, starting new tasks in the middle of old ones. I did that all the time, and now I knew I was a horrible person for doing so. I must fight my instincts in order to correct myself into how I "should be." I have spent my whole life doing this. There is something wrong with me, and I must fix it or no one will love me ever ever ever!

Here's the problem: there was nothing wrong with me before; I always wound up finishing my tasks. I just did them differently than other people. Some people leave half-finished tasks lying around, which I can see is a problem. I never used to do that -- I always got them done. UNTIL I TRIED DOING THINGS ACCORDING TO THAT DAMN MAGAZINE instead of what felt comfortable and natural to me.

All of a sudden, tasks overwhelmed me because I didn't see them in bits and pieces anymore -- I only saw the big, scary whole. Because now I was forbidden (in my mind) from doing one piece at a time. IF I STARTED, I HAD TO FINISH! IN ONE FLUID MOTION!

I just realized that today. I have been limping along for more than 15 years because of a stupid magazine article that made me feel "wrong" and "bad."