Thursdays with Ubie: an Interview with Max the Drunken Severed Head

Please welcome special guest Max the Drunken Severed Head as I get up close and personal with some questions:

Q0: Do you still get hangovers?

Well, sometimes my wife hangs me over a clothesline. By my ears. You don't wanna know why. Otherwise, no.

Q1: What is that thing you're sitting in? A cookie sheet? A bedpan?

It's a dissection pan that no one was using at the time. Has a nice alcoholic smell. (I'd like to tell you it's a cupcake pan, since I love your blog and your profile pic, but I cannot tell a lie.)

At night, I have my own bed--got it from Petco.

Q2: Who changes your fluids?

Anyone nearby will do when I'm a quart low. "Hey, can you switch out that bottle of Dewar's to some Gray Goose?"

Q3: Where's the rest of your body, and how did you become separated from it?

This is something I don't remember and I've heard different accounts. My ex used to "tear me a new one" a lot, so I suspect her.

Maybe it's a family thing. A genealogist in a turban once told me the Headless Horseman was a great-uncle on my mother's side. But he also said my Moon was in Pisces and that I'd marry a squat Lithuanian, so who knows?

You'd think I'd really want to know, but I don't feel that way. Just detached.

Q4: What is your favorite liquid to float in?

I love floating in my tequila pool. If I start to sink, I just dissolve more salt from around the rim.

Q5: Since you can't change the channel, what would be the most torturous thing to force you to watch on TV? What would you find most enjoyable?

Most tortuous? Watching Susan Boyle with the sound turned off, or Jerry Lewis on his telethon with the sound turned on. (Or off, for that matter.)

Most enjoyable? I'm waiting for AMC's HEAD marathon: Head, The Man Without a Body, The Brain that Wouldn't Die, The Head, They Saved Hitler's Brain, and The View From Pompey's Head. Cameron Mitchell had a great cranium.

Q6: Do you miss having a body?

Oh, I'm resolved to my fate. Sure, when a woman cuddles up to me, it'd be nice to have something hard other than my skull! But I'm past the point where I cry myself to sleep singing "I Ain't Got Nobody."

Q 7: My dad used to say, "Want to lose 10 ugly pounds? Cut off your head!" How much does your head actually weigh?

A gentlemen never talks about the amount of head he has.

But do you like it?

Q 8: How do you sleep? Do you just close your eyes? Do you fall over on your cheek? If you fall over, how do you get upright? The same person who changes your fluids?

Sometimes someone will throw a pillowcase over me and I'll nap. But I don't sleep much. My doctor--Dr. Vinnie Boombotz--wanted me to start sleepwalking, for the exercise. It was an idea I tried to roll with, but it didn't get far.

I pass out from lack of air for short periods, sometimes, when my dog curls up around my face. Don't mind it, as long he's turned the right way. That's about it. You can't drink unless your conscious!

Once, I passed out into my soup. Oh lord. My ears stopped up, and I spent the next day feeling like my head was coming in for a landing. And I thought I was deaf, too. But it was just pinto beans in my ear canals! My wife said the oregano made me smell better, but what does she know? I could smell fine.

Hey, with no hands or fingers, my other senses are all much, much keener. I can even see in the dark, when the lights are on.

Since then, I always wear a Med-Alert around my neck which sends a message in an emergency: "Help! I've tipped over and I can't get up!" But I think being on the level is overrated. The world is far more interesting at 45 or 90 degrees. Anything over 90 degrees and I start to sweat.

Thanks for taking an interest. Come over sometime for a cocktail!
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area

If being easily irritated, impatient and rebellious is sexy, then call me MILF -- Übermilf.

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