Apparently you people don't like thoughtful, reasonable Ubie. So, Snarky Boobs Ubie it is.

Every year I get a "holiday family newsletter" from my cousin and his family from Elko, Nevada. Every year I dislike them more and more.

I don't hate holiday newsletters per se. I hate boastful, pretentious holiday newsletters. With grammatical errors to boot.

Without fail, my cousin's wife (a fucking schoolteacher who should have a proper grasp of the English language, but doesn't) writes a poorly-rhymed 3-page poem about how wonderful their lives are.

"Ring Bender*(see below for explanation) got another raise! We went to Hawaii for free! Again! Ring Bender runs in triathalons! And wins! Every time!

"We didn't think it possible, but our youngest gets EVEN BETTER grades than his brothers! The eldest got straight A's, the middle boy got straight A+'s, and the youngest gets straight A++'s!

"And they all have twelve girlfriends each, despite the fact the eldest looks like Howdy Doody, the middle one looks like Chris from 'Family Guy' and the youngest is so unremarkable I can't remember what he looks like at the moment!

"And I, too, keep getting miraculously promoted! I will soon be Superintendent of Schools for the entire state of Nevada! Isn't that super duper! I'm also enclosed pictures of the 3,567 craft projects I've completed this year! Aren't I talented!"

To top it off, my family and I tend to receive this enema bag in the mail the same day an overdue bill arrives or with some other piece of bad news, making the impact yet more severe.

Lucky for me, I received Sysm's Christmas card on the same day last year. It contained a lovably imperfect picture of the Sysmidgets posing with Spiderman, the two eldest correctly aping the web-spinning posture of Spiderman, one of the twins staring at his wrist trying to position his fingers accurately, and the other inexplicably playing air guitar. That made me very happy. Because life is fun and wonderful even if it's not always perfect; why pretend?

*We call my cousin Ring Bender, because upon meeting my husband for the first time at my great aunt's wake, he shook Dilf's hand so hard he bent his ring. Oh, and the reason I'm writing this today? I received another piece of mail from them today regarding their upcoming Christmas visit.