Last Friday, after watching Numb3rs, Dilf and I were assaulted with this blaring announcement: "Coming up next on Channel 2 News: Bread Causes Cancer. Stay tuned for details."

I didn't stay tuned because the whole thing is stupid. It reminded me of my dad's old joke, "99.8 percent of heroin users started out drinking milk. Drinking milk leads to heroin abuse!"

Bread is a cultural universal, in one form or another. Grains are ground, made into meal, mixed with some sort of binder, formed into a shape and baked throughout the world. Hippies used it to symbolize money for life's necessities, and it has been called "The Staff of Life." Jesus even used it as "a word that describes all those physical, human and spiritual gifts we need to live" in The Lord's Prayer.

Of course cancer can be "linked" to bread consumption; everyone eats it. Corn, barley, rye, wheat, rice ... whatever.

More stunning to me is the following:

"The findings show renal cell carcinoma patients were more likely than those without kidney cancer to have the highest intake of bread, and, to a lesser extent, pasta and rice. People without renal cell carcinoma were more likely to eat the greatest amount of vegetables, poultry, and processed meats."

Processed meats? Salami wards off cancer, people! THAT should've been the headline; THAT'S news!

The last paragraph of the story contains the one grain (get it? grain? hee hee) of truth in the whole story:

"However, the study doesn't prove any particular dietary pattern causes or prevents renal cell carcinoma.

Doctors are often unable to explain exactly why one person gets cancer and another doesn't. The researchers speculate that "a diet rich in refined cereals and poor in vegetables may have an unfavorable role on RCC [renal cell carcinoma]." (emphasis mine)

That was the lead story that night. A vague, inconclusive story about food. Thanks, CBS News. You're a peach. Peaches cause cancer, right?

In other news, Dilf found an interesting story. We're 53! We're 53! USA! USA!