Don't Wear Wednesday: Male Prototypes I Don't Want to Have Sex With
I was going to write a men's swimwear edition, but I decided to spare you all. While researching, I discovered that gay men and I apparently have different ideas of sexy. I unfortunately clicked on one site's "sheer fun" section, and discovered what appeared to be two smooshed onions and a fingerling potato in a mesh bag. Only they were neither onions nor a potato. Whatever the case may be, it didn't look "fun" for the models, it looked uncomfortable.

It led me to think of the (thankfully) wide disparity of what people find attractive. The world would be quite boring if we all thought alike, and there'd be a lot more lonely people. Here are some male types I do not find in the least attractive, yet many women (and men who are thusly disposed) do. My comments reflect my thinking when I was on the dating scene; clearly, I have found the ideal mate and have no need to look further. Without further ado, I give you:

The heavy metal rocker:

Sorry. He looks like a girl. And I bet those spandex pants smell after a night under the hot stage lights. Also, he looks like he could be carrying several diseases. Also, looks like he'd always be borrowing money from me and perhaps steal my credit card. Also, looks like he reached peak maturity in eighth grade.

The cowboy:

The problem with the cowboy is, I am too much of a history buff. I happen to know they bathed semi-yearly, ate beans all the time and were generally social outcasts. So, they have the smell issue, were brutish, and basically homeless. Also, riding in a saddle all the time couldn't be good for erectile function. I don't care how they've been romanticized, the truth is out there and it's not pretty.

The yuppie:

Selfish prick who doesn't know how to have fun. Over-privileged with compromised morals. Sociopath who cannot form bonds with other humans. Trying to use wealth to make up for small penis. No interests outside of money. Might as well date Mr. Krabs; I could boil him and eat him at the end of the evening.

The stoner:

Useless and unreliable. Probably will become a decent guy someday, but I'm not willing to waste my youth. Also, smells.

There you have it. My "Don't Wear" advice this week: don't dress to type.
Name: Übermilf
Location: Chicago Area

If being easily irritated, impatient and rebellious is sexy, then call me MILF -- Übermilf.

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Perverts, scram. There's nothing for you here.

Now, who wants cupcakes?

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